I’m thinking of abandoning charting and instead just taking a pregnancy test every two weeks because staring at graphs is not conducive to a relaxed state of being.
I have the cross hairs moved, removed and re-added. I am convinced at this point that no ovulation has happened yet but Fertility Friend is holding on to hope worse than I am. It took my cross hairs away on Thursday, then re-added them yesterday and put enough doubt in my mind to make a take yet another test. I’m beginning to think that there is some sort of conspiracy between them and the manufacturers of pregnancy tests. The only test I had in the house was a digital but I figured that if by some random chance I was actually 15DPO even a notoriously not-very-sensitive digital pregnancy test would pick it up. I peed on the stick. I sat it down. I waited.
Digitals are worse than regular tests I believe. At least with a regular test you can see what is going on. You can ummm and ahh as the dye washes across it and squint yourself silly wondering if there is the beginning of a line there (or if you actually pregnant you can rejoice in seeing it appear almost immediately). The digital test on the other hand just presents you with a little hour glass and a minute or two of stomach knotting anxiety as you wonder…. maybe, just maybe.
Those are awful words to see, even when I wasn’t truly expecting to see Pregnant. While the little hour glass was flashing I did make the internal little prayer. I argued with myself about how I could be wrong and maybe it would be positive. I briefly fantasised about running upstairs to tell my husband and then feeling terrible because I had a couple of glasses of wine last night. But alas it was not to be.
I had my second reflexology session this week and the only inference the therapist could draw from my feet is that I am stressed. No surprises there. Between that stupid chart, the on-going flea war, caring for three young children and attempting (and failing) to prepare for 2 rather important upcoming exams I am extremely stressed. Emotionally I’m in a bad place of feeling angry, resentful and very put-upon. That is probably not helping the ovary situation either.
So what do I do?
Well I think I may up my agnus castus dosage again. I started on 200mg, then moved to 400, maybe it’s time to ramp it all the way up to 800mg. The wisdom of the internet suggests to may take around 3 months to work. I’ve probably wasted the first month on such a low dosage. I also need to switch my focus back to looking after my body right. The last couple of weeks have seen my healthy eating habits fall to the wayside and I’ve gained around 7-8lbs since April. I think it’s time to crank out a large batch of zero point soup and some vegetable curries. I may even be time to take the cellophane off that Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred dvd I bought and get over my fear of actually doing it.
Tomorrow or the day after they are bound to tell me “we can no longer reliable predict an ovulation date.” I can live with that. I just hope next time they appear on my chart it’s for real.