Tag Archives: spotting

Lucky 132?

So… yesterday I was back at the hospital again. I find it rather disconcerting that there are doctors around now who are much younger than I am. I’m not old, I’m young(ish), well young enough that I still look to other people for authority and call my parents “Mammy” and “Daddy.” I find it hard to take life or death medical opinions from someone who looks like they probably still shop in Miss Selfridge and quite enjoys Hollyoaks. I’m sure she’s studied very hard and knows what she’s doing and by the very fact that she attended medical school and therefore got a very good grade in chemistry (which I loved but frankly sucked at) she is more than likely much smarter than me, but still, she looked like she probably only started menstruating a week ago. Luckily she was very capable of taking a blood sample.

I managed to have a chat with a consultant while I was there too. He believed one of three things was happening A. I’m very early pregnant, B.  I’m having a miscarriage or C. It’s ectopic. He seemed a bit baffled by the whole situation to be honest. I don’t think he expected to see the hormone levels rise on Saturday. He looked back over my notes and at the print out from the scan they’d done last Thursday. Then he told me what they hadn’t mentioned at all last week, that my endometrium was quite thin. I had saw them measure it and I had wanted to ask what the result was and what exactly that meant, but I tend to go a bit chicken in the face of doctors and find it hard to ask questions. I do remember staring at the screen after they left the cubicle to let me get dressed last Thursday, and I think the number on the screen was 5 or 6mm. He told me that if the beta hcg levels had doubled they’d treat it as a normal on-going pregnancy and would want to see me again in about a week’s time for another ultrasound or if they only rose a little I’d need to return to hospital that night for another scan and to discuss “surgical options.”

I went home and spent a couple of agonising hours waiting for the phone to ring. About half seven I couldn’t take it any more and called them. The nurse who answered the phone put me on hold for about five minutes or a couple of hours, the passage of time was a bit weird and vague, it certainly felt like a couple of hours. Then she came back, asked me some more questions and put me on hold again. Finally she came back and I got the answer, the levels have risen to 132… so not exactly doubled but risen by more than 60% so the consultant was happy to leave me for now and scan me again next Tuesday.

I’m not sure how I feel. I’m relieved it doesn’t look like an ectopic but I still don’t feel brave enough to consider myself pregnant, okay today I am pregnant (I think), but will I be tomorrow? or next week? I am utterly confused by the situation. I’m running all sorts of crazy scenarios through my head to explain why the levels aren’t adding up with the 24 dpo that I think I am. Maybe I was wrong on the charting, maybe I conceived a lot later than I think, maybe I conceived twins and lost one of them (that would explain early result and then bleeding and very low levels), maybe I conceived, miscarried and conceived again all in the space of about a fortnight, maybe there is some truth in the notion that excess hcg can spill over into breastmilk, maybe there’s a rip in the space time continuum centred on my uterus. Okay… these scenarios are getting outlandish but I am that baffled by what is going on, or not.

I have been fairly good in restraining myself from daily pee stick dunking, admittedly I did do one yesterday before going to the hospital



though I’m not sure why I did it when it couldn’t actually tell me anything more than the hospital test. Oh and I’m still spotting.

I suspect this is going to be an extremely long week.


The Rollercoaster

As much as I think Ronan Keaton is an insufferable gobshite with a speech impediment, he was quite accurate when he sang “life is a rollercoaster.”

The last couple of days have been a rollercoaster, but of the kind where it breaks down half way through the loop and you’re left suspended in mid air with everything falling out of your pockets.

I went back to the gynae ward on Saturday and sat in the waiting area feeling thoroughly sick with nerves. Eventually a nurse came out and handed me one of those little white universal containers, asked me for a urine sample and told me that if the dip test was negative they wouldn’t do a repeat blood test. I nearly burst into tears. I was desperate to know what the beta number was, even if it had plummeted, and I wasn’t expecting a urine test so I’d been knocking gallons of tea into me all morning and had used the loo just before leaving for the hospital. I was certain that urine test would be negative and I’d be sent home without getting the answer I wanted.

It seemed like forever before she reappeared and told me that the test was faintly positive so they were going to do the blood test after all. I promptly burst into tears at that point.

I had a long wait back home before I could ring for the results but when I finally did call what they told me was completely unexpected.

The level had almost doubled from 40 to 79.

I promptly burst into tears again.

The little bit of hope flickered up in me and started to burn bright.

Then the spotting returned and kicked itself up a notch to full on bleeding.

I spent most of yesterday in bed because trying to interact with other human beings set off the whole hysterical crying thing again. When I started to pass small clots last night I resigned myself once again to being over.

Then the spotting stopped again.

Then started again.

It’s like the worst sort of lather, rinse, repeat. I can’t take the stress of this at all. One minute my hopes are high and the next they’re in the gutter.

This afternoon I have to return to the hospital again for another beta hcg count. I honestly don’t know what to expect. Will the levels have risen? fallen? I have this horrible niggling pain in my side too that’s having me endlessly googling “ectopic pregnancy.”

I’m making good progress on the knitting though.


Arse Biscuits

That’s a polite way of saying it hasn’t been a very good day. You may think it’s not that polite, but believe me, it’s way more polite than the string of expletives that I want write.

Actually it’s been such a bad day I feel I am fully justified in quoting Stephen Fry’s “The Liar” –

damn, shit, bollocks and buggery fuck.”

I was trying with the PMA, I really was. I ordered jelly rolls to start making a cot quilt, I started knitting a blanket (no mean feat because I have minimal knitting skills), I even wrote PMA in huge letters on our family notice board to remind me to stop being such a merchant of doom.

Last night I started spotting. I assumed the worst and cried myself to sleep. I had nightmares, woke up, did another test. It was positive, darker than they had been but still not as dark as the control line, and the spotting seemed to have stopped.

I relaxed a bit, went back to bed, slept (badly) and woke up in the morning again to more spotting, now with added cramping.

I had an appointment to see my GP so I went along and had a chat with her.  She phoned the gynae ward at our local hospital and they agreed to see me this afternoon.

The spotting continued.

When I got to the gynae ward they did an internal ultrasound scan and found nothing. That’s not so bad in itself, I’m 4+4 or 4+5 at the most, I think I would have been very lucky to even see a gestational sac. They repeated the urine test and it was a faint positive. My heart just sank at that, at 19 DPO I should be having blaring positives. I should have been having blaring positives for days. They decided to order a beta HCG test and now I’m sitting here waiting for the result, depending on what it is I have to return on Saturday for another blood test.

I’m not feeling terribly optimistic.

Right now I’m in a sort of calm, resigned place. I don’t know if this is the right place to be. I don’t know if I should be doggedly hopeful in the face of this, but if I get my hopes up will it be all the worse if they come crashing down around my ears?

I hate the thought of starting over. I hate to think of all the extra worry I’ll face.

I know one hcg count in itself means very little, it’s the doubling time that’s important, but I dread calling tonight.

PMA = Mixed Success

It was probably within about half an hour of posting yesterday that the spotting started up again and it got quite heavy, so heavy in fact that I thought it was starting to tip from spotting into period territory. With a sinking heart I took myself to the shop to buy emergency ladies’ supplies (Always & chocolate). I was fairly certain that was it, it was game over at 5 DPO.

Then it stopped again.

Then my temperature rose again this morning.

Then the spotting started again.

Then it stopped.

I have to say it’s making a trip to the bathroom quite the fraught and nerve wrecking adventure.

For now at least it seems to have stopped again. Trust my body to make things complicated.

I found out a friend of mine is pregnant today too. I am delighted for her, but just a little bit jealous for myself.

But I guess it ain’t never till it’s over, so it’s back to one day at a time…

le sigh.

Today I Will Be Mostly Trying PMA

This is going to be a short and sweet post.

The spotting stopped last night and I haven’t had any more since (YET – trying to balance realism with optimism here).  Today I’m going to try some PMA and instead of working myself into a frenzy over a possible luteal phase defect, I’m just going to accept that when nursing things can get a bit funky (in a messed up sense, not a James Brown sense).

I’ve upped my dose of vitamin b6 and I’m going with watchful waiting. As the great Doris Day once sang “what will be will be,” and my stressing over it will have absolutely no bearing on the outcome.

5DPO and counting….

The Boob & The Blood

Apart from a negative pregnancy test, the last thing a woman who is trying to convince wants to see is blood. Blood is scary, blood is downright alarming, or just plain heartbreaking.

Ordinarily I have no problem with blood. I’ve never been squeamish about it, or needles for that matter.  I think it’s because when I was a kid my dad used to take me along with him when he went to donate blood. I’d watch lots of people getting huge needles stuck in their arms, without a grimace or a whimper, I’d watch large bags fill up with blood, and then at the end of it they gave you tea or juice and some biscuits. Chocolate biscuits if you were very lucky. So needles and blood have always had a good association for me and I take them in my stride.

I’ve never truly understood the people with major blood phobias. A good friend of mine at school was like that. She fainted when she got her rubella, and she threw up and then fainted when she got her first period. I felt truly sorry for her when she had her first child a couple of years ago and discovered she was rhesus negative so had to get all those anti d injections. I think they just put a mattress on the floor every time she walked in.

But I digress….

Blood. Under some circumstances (well probably under most circumstances) it’s not a good thing to see, and especially so when your getting-knocked-up success in large part relies on keeping all of your blood inside you.

I’ve been having some spotting, a little on Sunday (okay, I could put that down to ovulation bleeding), a little bit yesterday and a lot more today. At 4dpo it’s much too early for the fabled implantation bleeding, what is much more likely is that my progesterone levels just aren’t very high. Prolactin is a progesterone antagonist. When a woman is lactating, prolactin has a much greater affinity for it’s binding site than progesterone does, the progesterone is instead cleared from her system in her breastmilk. This is part of the reason why breastfeeding can offer such strong contraceptive protection, and why it can make the luteal phase just a little bit screwed up. Insufficient progesterone causes the lining of the womb to break down too early for implantation to occur.

I might be a tad over dramatic here. I just have to watch and wait and see what happens, while bearing in mind that luteal phase defects are common in lactating women.

I suppose if my period does arrive soon I can at least content myself that my cycle is up and running again

and then start googling natural progesterone cream….