I’m feeling very fat at the moment.
I went to Weight Watchers on Wednesday night to fess up to my leader about my pregnancy so she would stop harassing me on Facebook about getting back to a meeting (okay she wasn’t really harassing me, I just got a sense of mild disapproval from her every time I posted a picture of anything I’d baked). I had gained some weight since the last time (5.5lbs since August) and she was just about to revoke my precious gold membership card when I told her that I’m pregnant, so instead I was told to go away until after I had the baby and then I have six months to get back to my goal weight before they’ll make me start paying membership fees again.
I feel a bit bereft, a bit cut off and struggling with the thought that it’s okay for me to gain a bit of weight. You see as I’ve manage to backslide to the tune of 14lbs already since April I’m terrified that when I give birth I’ll find myself at 17 stone (238lbs) again.
I bought a 12 week tracker diary at the meeting and I’ve put myself on maintenance points and so far I’ve had 3 good days (took some gentle exercise, ate within my points etc) but I was utterly dismayed when I stepped on the scales yesterday morning and saw I had gained a pound and that my waist has expanded by three inches already.
When I’ve spent the better part of the last two years focusing on reducing everything about myself it is very hard to change my head space. I did a quick google to find some pregnancy weight gain estimators and they are depressing me because even though my BMI is below 25 (23.9 to be exact) they are all telling me I’m fatter than I should be, by 5 or 6lbs. What am I supposed to do with that information? All it makes me want to do is cut back and lose those 5 or 6lbs instead of focusing on the fact that I should only gain 25 to 35lbs.
It’s funny, when I was hugely overweight and pregnant my weight never bothered. I felt more comfortable with my fat self because I could say “I’m pregnant!” but the truth is right now I feel much fatter than I ever did back then.
I may be a teensy bit of a control freak you see, who doesn’t trust herself to exercise self control and finds it quite hard to surrender to any process.
Obviously the most important thing is that I am healthy and that the baby is healthy and that it gets all the nutrients that it needs to grow and thrive, and I am trying to focus on that. I think it’ll just take a while before I can make the mental adjustment and in the meantime I have to just keep plugging away at staying within my points and making sure I eat right and move more.
So without further ado…. this is how I looked at 4 weeks 5 days. In my defense my stomach tone is a bit knackered from 3 previous pregnancies and all the weight loss, and the newly pregnant bloat.
Aside from feeling absolutely vile on Saturday I haven’t had too much in the way of morning sickness yet. This is a mixed blessing, I don’t want to feel sick, but I’d probably feel at least a little reassured if I was feeling sick. It’s a no win situation, if I was throwing up I’d be complaining about that too.
At the moment though I am just hungry. Constantly hungry. I had a banana less than half an hour ago and I’m looking around my kitchen now thinking to myself what can I eat? It’s hard. I’m determined not to pile on the pounds but it is hard finding satisfying and filling things to tuck in to, especially when I feel like I could eat every meal twice. So I’m tucking into a big plate of grapes, cheese and crackers and trying to convince myself that is very healthy.
It’s actually very hard to get information about healthy eating in pregnancy. You can get it in a very vague sense of don’t eat these foods and eat lots of these foods. But no one puts numbers on it. I’m sticking with weight watchers, even though officially they do not have a programme for pregnant women, I guess the difference is instead of losing weight I’m just trying to maintain. I’m not being hugely strict with myself though, I’m going with the theory that if I have a sensible breakfast, lunch and dinner, with room for some snacks it should keep me right. It will really help that I am no longer enjoying a tipple of a weekend either as that cuts out snacking on pretzels during and then taking bacon sandwiches as medicine for a hangover. I am probably giving myself a little more leeway than usual with things with nuts and seeds because I figure at least those are good fats.
I’m glad I don’t have any major dietary adjustments to make and that I’ve already discovered my love of fruit and veg and wholegrains. I just need something now to beat my love of chocolate and fried food to death with.
I admit, you have to be a pretty dedicated squinter to see the progression in these tests, but I assure you, the lines are there, even if they are ridiculously faint in the early ones (and maybe not so convincing later on).
It’s sending my mind into a paranoid overdrive. I want blaring pink lines, apparently even a digital isn’t enough to convince me. I think when you suffer a lose, you lose some innocence and worry dogs you until you hit 12 weeks.
I’m probably going to keep doing tests until I get it confirmed by the doctor. Yay for the HPT companies, boo for my bank balance.
I feel so emotional right now. I think I randomly burst into tears at least half a dozen times yesterday, and I don’t want to wish my life away but I do want to fast forward a bit. I’m hoping it is all good signs that I conceived on my son’s birthday, confirmed it with a digi on my husband’s birthday and I’ll be 12 weeks on my daughter’s birthday. Okay it’s not exactly scientific….
I need to shift the focus away from obsessing over pee sticks though. I’ll be honest I wasn’t the healthiest individual in the world during my other pregnancies. I was obese and I continued to eat quite badly. I worked very hard in the last year to shed the excess weight and lost 93lbs in total but a few of the old bad habits have been creeping in over the summer and I have regained a bit of the weight (about 7lbs). So now I really need to think about nutrition, about eating healthily and well. I followed the Weight Watchers programme to lose the weight and I’m going to continue to stick with it, using my maintenance points and a couple of extra because I’m still breastfeeding. My best friend (with whom I share too much) has agreed to be an activity buddy for me as well and we’re getting set to take regular walks and swimming sessions today. I’m determined to face this pregnancy in the best shape I could possibly be in, especially since I have a toddler to maintain as well. I’m also determined to actually do my kegels for once.
I’m spending some time now googling and working out a meal plan for myself to follow.