Tag Archives: chemical pregnancy

Not Great Frankly

I called the gynae ward last night and got the blood test results. The nurse I spoke to on the phone was really lovely, actually everyone I spoke to yesterday was really lovely. It was a huge change from the last time I went through this and I was treated like at best a fantasist and at worst a downright liar.

The beta HCG count was 40. The nurse asked me if they’ve told me what they thought was happening when I’d been with the doctors earlier. I said to her the way they had worded it was either I wasn’t pregnant or it was too early, but personally I thought it was a pregnancy that just wasn’t progressing. She said they still want me to come back on Saturday for the repeat blood test and she was very sorry this was happening. That was a lovely thing to hear, a bit of sympathy and some acknowledgement  that I was going through something. I thanked her before hanging up the phone.

I spent some time then googling HCG levels and HCG calculators. The average HCG level at 19DPO is (apparently, I’m not going to vouch for absolute truth of this) 303 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 111-514 mIU/ml. At 40 I am well below that. My understanding is that the sensitivity of the digital tests is 50 mIU/ml, so if I was getting a positive with them on Sunday, my HCG should be around the 200 mark at least.

I really don’t want to go back for the repeat on Saturday but I understand why I have to. I just don’t want to make the call to get the results.

To add insult to injury the spotting has stopped again as well. If this is going to end, if this has ended, I just want it over with as soon as possible.

I’m feeling this so much more acutely than the last time, maybe because I waited so long for this and I wanted it so badly. I was so happy on Sunday. This was the first pregnancy that I faced without the slightest bit of trepidation or nerves or intimidation at what adding a new baby to our brood would mean, and it just sucks to have it all taken away.

Arse Biscuits

That’s a polite way of saying it hasn’t been a very good day. You may think it’s not that polite, but believe me, it’s way more polite than the string of expletives that I want write.

Actually it’s been such a bad day I feel I am fully justified in quoting Stephen Fry’s “The Liar” –

damn, shit, bollocks and buggery fuck.”

I was trying with the PMA, I really was. I ordered jelly rolls to start making a cot quilt, I started knitting a blanket (no mean feat because I have minimal knitting skills), I even wrote PMA in huge letters on our family notice board to remind me to stop being such a merchant of doom.

Last night I started spotting. I assumed the worst and cried myself to sleep. I had nightmares, woke up, did another test. It was positive, darker than they had been but still not as dark as the control line, and the spotting seemed to have stopped.

I relaxed a bit, went back to bed, slept (badly) and woke up in the morning again to more spotting, now with added cramping.

I had an appointment to see my GP so I went along and had a chat with her.  She phoned the gynae ward at our local hospital and they agreed to see me this afternoon.

The spotting continued.

When I got to the gynae ward they did an internal ultrasound scan and found nothing. That’s not so bad in itself, I’m 4+4 or 4+5 at the most, I think I would have been very lucky to even see a gestational sac. They repeated the urine test and it was a faint positive. My heart just sank at that, at 19 DPO I should be having blaring positives. I should have been having blaring positives for days. They decided to order a beta HCG test and now I’m sitting here waiting for the result, depending on what it is I have to return on Saturday for another blood test.

I’m not feeling terribly optimistic.

Right now I’m in a sort of calm, resigned place. I don’t know if this is the right place to be. I don’t know if I should be doggedly hopeful in the face of this, but if I get my hopes up will it be all the worse if they come crashing down around my ears?

I hate the thought of starting over. I hate to think of all the extra worry I’ll face.

I know one hcg count in itself means very little, it’s the doubling time that’s important, but I dread calling tonight.