Every morning I log on to the Actively Trying board over at Babycentre and I’m met with a glut of “OMG BFP!!!!” posts.
It’s lovely for the ladies posting of course but it’s probably doing my sense of impatience no good at all. Truth is, when my kids go to nap, I spend a few hours trawling various forums and googling every suggestion for ways to increase fertility. I then spend far too much time going back and forth between my chart on Fertility Friend and on the Taking Charge of Your Fertility site willing those dots to suddenly make some sense.
I missed a few days of temperature taking last week while I was going through the whole pound-shop-shit-test adventure, and I could kick myself for it now because sometime during those three days my temperature started to rise.
Fertility Friend is being not especially helpful either. It will go as far as to tell me I *may* have ovulated some time between CD5 and CD11. I don’t dare believe it though. I have been through this so many times before, including most recently just after I started this blog. I fully expect my temperature to take a nose dive soon and for them to take away even the suggestion that something might have happened. Still, as always, my hopes are up a little. This is a much more convincing temperature rise than I have ever seen on my chart before. I’ve started taking my temperature at night before I go to bed, not to record it because I know it’s largely meaningless, but I have noticed that it is consistently higher than it’s ever been before. My bedtime temperature is hovering around the 37°C mark, which is at least .5 of a degree higher than it’s ever been before. So now I’m obsessing about whether or not it actually means anything.
It’s amazing the things that you will notice when you’re paying attention. Every twinge takes on new significance, but it rarely means anything. I pointed out the similarity to my husband recently when we were fighting the flea battle. We both had multiple phantom flea bites, every weird tickle had us jumping and scratching and checking for fleas. 99% of the time we found absolutely nothing, but just the idea that there were fleas in the house was enough to have us thinking we were being bitten every five minutes (in truth, during the month long battle we both suffered maybe 8 flea bites each). It’s the same with symptom spotting. I see so many ladies posting about sore boobs and headaches and sensitivity to smells and a dozen other “signs”, about 50% of those do end up being pregnant (so retrospectively they confirm yes! it’s all a pregnancy sign!) the other half end up with their period.
These temperatures might mean something, but they probably don’t.
My best friend has started charting and I have to admit I’m a little jealous. I’m jealous because she has predictable cycles and her temperature patterns make sense and when she sees a temperature rise and gets her cross hairs she can be fairly certain that it is because she has ovulated. Her cross hairs are unlikely to disappear after a few days.
I’m not feeling particularly patient today. I’ve had a temperature rise over the last few days but this morning it plummeted. I woke up and took my temperature as usual but when I looked at the clock I realised it was only 4.30 am. I usually take my temperature around 6 am. I went back to sleep, but I dozed more than anything, when I finally roused myself enough to take another reading it was 7.30 am. It’s almost unheard of in this house for us to sleep past 6.30. There is quite a disparity between the two readings, the earlier one was 97.18, plunging off the bottom of my chart, the later reading was 98.04 and a nice little rise like I’d want to see. Of course I know the reading I should use is the lower one. I hate that reading. It messes up my chart entirely. I guess thems is the breaks and I know that even a pretty looking chart won’t make me have ovulated.
I HATE this waiting, I HATE the uncertainty, I HATE that every product out there from fertility monitors to software only really works for people who have a cycle in the first place. I HATE being banished to this little breastfeeding fringe group where no one has any answers and no one can offer any help other than telling me to wean.
I HATE that I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate lately and gained 8lbs in 15 weeks.
I wish I had some progress to report. I feel like I’m constantly moaning or saying oh I think something might be happening but ultimately end up being wrong.
I wish I had a chart like my friend’s.
There’s a big dichotomy in my personality, on the one hand I’m a trained scientist, a thorough sceptic and completely anally retentive. On the other hand I kind of want to be a hippy. I admire the people who get through the whole nine months without asking what flavour their baby is (I never managed it). I admire the people who take a laid back “let’s see what happens” approach. The problem with knowledge is that once I learn something, I can’t unlearn it, I can forget huge chunks of it, but a nugget of it will remain.
I’ve talked before about how easily I’ve fallen pregnant in the past, but I need to be honest here, when we last decided that we were going to have a baby I got organised. I signed up for Fertility Friend membership, I ordered a bunch of ovulation tests from eBay and I picked up a fertility thermometer. There was a solid month where not a single day passed that I didn’t pee on something.
Last summer we started talking about having another baby and in anticipation of my fertility coming back I did all of the above again and drove myself completely nuts for 3 months before I gave up. I think I permanently damaged my eyesight in that time too squinting at tests trying to will a second line into existence.
I have some romantic notions about how I want to do it this time. I want my crunchy granola side to reign, and crunchy granola is not at home to graphs and statistics. I have idle fantasies about just relaxing, about not testing from about 7 DPO onwards, about having my husband there when I take the test and letting him tell me the result, and finally about staying resolutely team yellow.
Yet I found myself this morning waking up and sticking a BBT thermometer in my mouth AND then resurrecting my old Fertility Friend account (albeit the free version) to record the verdict.
I can’t fight the annotating lab coat wearing me.