When I got pregnant with my eldest I did two tests, and that was only because I didn’t believe the first one. With the boy I did one test, because it never occurred to me to do more than one, you got two lines it meant you were pregnant (and it was time to hyperventilate). Between the boy being born and getting pregnant with the Squishy one, Clear Blue brought out those digital tests with the conception indicators, and I had my first miscarriage and ventured into the world of TTC forums for the first time. Suddenly it seemed like the done thing was to test repeatedly to see a good progression on standard test and then to break out the digitals and wait to see it move from 1-2, to 2 to 3+. I actually dread to think of the amount of money I have spent on pregnancy tests over the years, especially after I got a positive.
This time it is different though. Saturday’s test was a total squinter, granted (it’s a bit clearer in real life compared to the photos I posted here), but I can’t seem to bring myself to test again. I don’t want to know to be honest. I don’t want to obsess over lines, are they getting darker? It’s the same reason I cannot bring myself to call my doctor either because I know her first action will be to send me to the EPU and they will insist on a transvaginal ultrasound (they always do) even though I know I am so, so early and (if things are progressing) my hcg is probably only 20 at most. Then will come the dreaded betas and sitting by the phone all day feeling sick until I get the result, and feeling sick for two days waiting for the next one and so on. I think I feel particularly petrified about it because I breezed into the EPU last time assuming everything was fine and it really knocked me for six when it didn’t double on the second beta. I just don’t want to know.
I totally get why people test repeatedly. I used to find something very satisfying about lining up all my tests and seeing the line darken, I’m just too scared to do it in case it’s not good news, so for now I am taking a “la la la I’m not listening” approach. I am trying to be positive and not let the dark thoughts consume me.
Maybe I’ll test again on Wednesday.
Wednesday finally and the day that I said I would allow myself to order some tests from eBay. I have been good and stayed away from the thermometer since Sunday, largely because I spent most of Sunday staring at the high temp on my chart and thinking “oooooo does this mean anything?”
My “symptoms” continue as follows
- Painful Boobs – I have to be very careful how I stand in the shower because being hit in the chest with the water is NOT pleasant. Nursing the Squishy one (aka my youngest) is also a test in endurance. I grimace and she laughs.
- Gas/Wind – If you are 3 and 2 years old this is hilarious, if you are 30 it’s embarrassing. A couple of years ago the brother of a friend worked as the concierge in one of Dublin’s fancier hotels. He met a lot of celebrities during the time but one of his favourite was a young and extremely shy Beyonce Knowles. She imparted one amazing piece of advice to him that I have been using the past couple of days, it’s known as the Fart and Walk. Never fart in a stationary position, always do it while moving, movement (especially in crowds) masks the sound and by the time anyone smells it you’re at the other side of the room, where it can’t possibly be pinned on you.
- Vivid dreams – thankfully I haven’t been kissed by anyone questionable the last couple of nights but I did have to run from the zombie apocalypse. I’d take being double teamed by Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall and John C. Reilly over that any day, zombies terrify the pants off me.
- Feeling warm – I’m continuing to feel quite warm, to the point where I’m stripping off my sixth layer of jumper to help me cool down. Hey I live in Ireland, it’s cold here.
- Not sure if this counts….. maybe it’s an early craving? I did have a mad craving for meat very early on with my son…. I have ate an inordinate amount of BLTs lately (technically BSTs as I use spinach in place of lettuce but BST sounds like the shortening of the swearword). I went to make myself yet another BLT a couple of days ago and discovered that the husband had finished the bacon. I had a few minutes of blind rage where I considered divorce/homicide. Raging hormones?
4 days to go till I can put all this speculation to an end, in the meantime, thanks for the tip Beyonce.