27 Weeks

And I’m mere days away from the third trimester. I feel ginormous, my lungs feel squished and I’m constantly having to sit ridiculously upright in an attempt to stretch out my torso and not feel like my internal organs are being crushed. All that and I still have thirteen weeks to go? Where am I going to fit the rest of him in???

twenty seven weeks


The husband and I spent a few days in London last week (this pic was snapped in the hotel room mirror). I got to learn what it is like to be pregnant is ridiculous heat. It turns out it largely involves feet and ankles swelling to the point that it looked like I was baking loaves of bread in my shoes. That and all the rich holiday food meant that when I got home and stood on the scales it became apparent that at 27 weeks I have gained 44lbs.

Horrified doesn’t even come into it. I haven’t been able to stop eating but when I saw that number I realised that enough is enough and I have spent the last week cutting the crap and making sure I eat right. I think some of that weight must have been retained water because of the heat, but either way I have managed to lose eight pounds this week. I’d like to lose another eleven and then maintain at that until the end of the pregnancy to keep me to the total weight gain I should have had.

Yes, yes I know you’re not supposed to diet when pregnant, but really I’ve just been eating a very sensible diet. To give the example of one day last week for breakfast I had chopped banana, strawberries and raspberries topped with an organic bio yogurt, a handful of granola and a teaspoon of honey, lunch was a salad of spinach leaves, spring onions, tomato, shredded carrot, chopped apple and lean ham with a wholemeal pitta bread and some balsamic dressing, and dinner was a lamb tagine with wholewheat couscous. So I’m hardly starving myself! Right now I still weigh a few pounds more than I did after Little A was born and I cannot bear the thought of ending this pregnancy with a mountain of fat to shift when I was already  7lbs short of my little A pre-pregnancy weight when I got this BFP.

Speaking of Little A… I really thought she would have weaned herself by now. We reached a point where she was going a few days sometimes between nursings. I assumed that the trip to London would be the  end of it, three days away with no boob access at all. I didn’t bother to bring a pump or anything in an attempt to keep supply going. If anything she’s had a renewed interest since I got back, including a whole new vocabulary to  go with it “I want the boob. I want this one” *points*.

I’m definitely in the throes of a nursing aversion. I HATE nursing her, it makes me skin crawl and gets me so cranky and agitated. She seems to be especially fussy while nursing too, poking at me, grabbing my face, generally mucking around. I know most of the time I am sitting with an involuntary horrified expression on my face. It is so weird to me because I am so passionate about breastfeeding but this seems to be a physical, visceral reaction that I have NO control over. I’m sticking it out though, if she weans before the baby arrives then that’s fine, if she doesn’t and we end up tandem nursing that is okay too as I’m sure these feelings will pass by then (please don’t last for the next thirteen weeks!)



Burdened with glorious…..

I’m still waiting for that second trimester burst of energy where I feel normal again and not like I want to pass out on the sofa mid afternoon or be in bed by ten.

It’s not happening.

This could be because I have buckets of other life stuff getting the way. What mother of four isn’t tired? and I’m still up several times per night checking the eldest’s blood glucose levels. I really hope that calms down at some point before the baby arrives, but then again if it doesn’t I just pretend to breastfeed the infant and kick the husband and tell him he has to do it.

The tiredness sucks, especially the mid afternoon slump when I’m sitting on the sofa fighting to keep my eyes open. It doesn’t pay to close them, the kids will only get up to some mischief, such as a few days ago when the boy decided to help himself to some apples from the fridge and ended up spilling an entire bottle of Newman’s Own balsalmic salad dressing over the kitchen floor. Aside from that, and invulnerable heartburn that cannot be slayed by conventional means, I’m doing pretty good.

Today we had our anomaly scan. I’ve been very nervous about it, some people on one of the October birth boards have had some very bad news recently and it’s rattled me and made me a little afraid. It was nice that this time the husband was able to get out of work to come along with me.

I’m very pleased to report that every looked great. Baby was lying in a nice position so the sonographer was easily able to see and measure all the parts that she needed to and it looks like we’ve got a little boy on our hands! We waited until the very end of the scan to ask and she started to laugh, saying she had been trying to hide it from us all the way through as it was very obvious and she didn’t want to ruin it for us if we wanted a surprise.

It still feels very unreal though. I was lying there thinking wow, that’s an actual baby, in my actual body. I guess with everything that has been going on I still genuinely forget at times that I am pregnant and I’m focusing my energy so many other upcoming things that the baby appearing is a vague happening whenever it happens.

In some ways that’s kind of nice. It doesn’t feel like a drag yet. I have no impatience, equally though I realise I am a mere 22 weeks and there is a LOT of time ahead to get impatient and feel abdominally overburdened (abdominally – is that a word?).

So without further ado, here are some shots of the little guy. I am so glad I kept so much clothing from the boy. I don’t think I need to buy a single thing between now and October 2016.

loki 1 loki 2 loki 3 loki 4 loki 5

Loki seems to be ticking along in there quite nicely,

Half Way

20 weeks and I’m finally starting to feel legitimately pregnant, well I’m inching towards it anyway. I still mostly still feel fat because I seem to be piling on weight at a phenomenal rate. I’m actually gaining it much faster than I did with Little A. I can’t seem to get my eating under control at all. I know I’ve been very stressed out lately and that’s been a part of it but seriously I need someone to smack me. I haven’t weighed myself in a few weeks but I suspect I’m probably sitting at the weight I was when Little A was born. I think I’ve gained 30lbs or more. Horrifying.

I am starting to feel a lot more movement now. Flutters have given way to kicks. There’s no set pattern to them, they move all around. I imagine baby has plenty of room in there so spinning isn’t a problem. Right now I’m just waiting on my anomaly scan which isn’t for another two weeks, then it will be time to start getting properly organised and buy in the few things we need. I did buy a little set of sleep suits the other week so I’ve started gathering up my little pile of newborn clothes. My next task will be to drag vacuum storage bags of baby clothes down from the attic and start sorting them out.


Hello Baby!

16 weeks now and I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever. I think maybe it’s because of the ectopic just before this pregnancy, I feel like I’ve been pregnant a good five or six weeks longer than I have. Time is passing at a crawl. I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks since my dating scan, it feels like it was months ago. So progress is slow!

I’m feeling pretty good aside from daily bouts of indigestion (more on that later) and sinus headaches. I feel so congested and I wake up every morning with a headache that gets more throbbing as the day goes on. I would sell my grandmother for some sudafed! At the minute I’m just attempting to treat it with steaming and paracetamol but I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and go see my GP and beg her for some sort of nasal spray or dynamite or something. The morning sickness is well and truly gone but the sinus headaches can leave me very nauseated.

I am also nesting BIG TIME. I know traditionally it’s a later pregnancy activity but for me it has always been something that has hit early. I’ve been slowly making my way through the house clearing out drawers and cupboards and getting rid of excess furniture. I actually begged the husband for a Dyson vacuum cleaner for my birthday (it’s amazing). All the bending and carrying is playing merry hell with the indigestion though so I must keep a ready supply of Rennie and Ranitidin on supply. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the ad campaign for Rennie where they say it converts excess stomach acid to “water and ‘other substances'”, my dear friend Jacintha was quite correct when she tweeted “Just say farts, Rennie, just say farts.”

The urge to clear out and redecorate the house is quite overwhelming. I did a ruthless toy cull and then my eye turned to the bags and bags of baby clothes that are filling our wardrobe. With my last two children being girls I seem to be overrun with pink. On Friday (during an epic nesting session) I started to get very twitchy about them and felt an overwhelming urge to know whether or not I could donate them to charity if I should start washing them in preparation for baby.

All of this meant that on Saturday morning I found myself climbing the stairs to the private ultrasound clinic in town for a gender scan. I was very nervous as they usually don’t perform them until 18+ weeks and they didn’t sound entirely confident on the phone about how successful it would be. I’ve also had a very strong boy feeling from the beginning with this pregnancy and I knew I had to prepare myself for the possibility that it could be another girl.

I’m reserving judgement on the result. The sonographer seemed 100% confident but I’ve heard too many stories of people being told one thing and then popping out a different flavour so I’m going to wait the few weeks until my anomaly scan before I announce it one way or the other.

One perk of the scan was she put on the 3d probe at no extra charge and gave us a sneak peek. I wasn’t expecting to see anything great being so early on but we actually got some amazing pictures. I can only apologise for the poor quality of them here, I tried taking a photo of the scan pic with my phone but the paper they are printed on is very reflective.

20140426_155951 20140426_160007It was really special. We even saw baby sucking its thumb at one point.

Hopefully I’ll have the house is order and a cure for my sinus woes before baby gets here, after all I still a very, very long time to go.


Getting there

One of the comments after my post yesterday made me stop and think. It’s not that I am not grateful to be pregnant or that I don’t get how lucky I am to be pregnant and to get pregnant so easily (two ectopics and a miscarriage aside).

Given everything else that is going on in my life, especially with the demanding, time consuming and complicated needs of the eldest child, I am downright terrified that I won’t be able to cope with the additional demands of a new baby. In reality I probably will cope, though it will be tough and draining, but I am entitled to my fear. I’m not wrong or a bad person because that fear is over-shadowing what should be a very joyous time. I don’t want my pregnancy to go away but at the same time I can’t sit day-dreaming about it because I have the practicalities of four other children to consider. So when I say I hope I get my enthusiasm, I mean I hope I can shelve those worries and capture that feeling of happy anticipation. It may come some way down the line when this pregnancy begins to feel more real, it may come when things settle with the eldest. I’m sure I’ll get there eventually when I’ve had time to process my worries and move on.

14 Weeks

I’ve sucked at keeping this blog lately. Part of it is that I have been busy, but a bigger part of it is that life has been difficult and stressful of late and I haven’t wanted to pour it all out in one enormous bitching post (no matter how tempting that is).

The eldest child started her insulin pump therapy. We are now in the third week of 2 hourly blood glucose tests (day and night). It’s exhausting, physically and emotionally. She’s having a lot of issues at school as well and they are being less than helpful. I haven’t gone as far yet as to bring up the term “Disability Discrimation Act” but it’s getting close. All of this has meant I have been running around like a blue arsed fly trying to keep up. I’ve barely had time to remember that I am pregnant.

I’ve also  finally got my butt in gear and got myself out on some driving lessons. It’s frankly miraculous that I have managed to go on this long and have a family this large without having a car but before the next one lands I need my license and possibly a mini bus.

Oh and I still haven’t taken a bump picture. I’m not enjoying this or savoring it the way I thought I would. I guess it comes down to the above, I’m too busy worrying if this has been the right decision.

I had my 12 week scan last Thursday (at 14 weeks). This is probably the first time I’ve ever had a scan and not had an emotional reaction to it. I think my overriding thoughts at the time were being pissed with the husband for not being there and wondering when the eldest’s school was going to call and which flimsy pretext they would use this time to try and send her home. Anyway, here’s the baby. I got sort of hilarious with the photoshop and then used this picture to announce on news on Facebook.

baby lokiIs that a nub there? I’m kind of hoping that it looks like a boy nub, because I don’t think I can handle anymore oestrogen in my life, but other people seem to think it’s a girl nub. I’m not even sure it is a nub… and I’m fairly certain this picture is at completely the wrong angle to even judge the angle of the dangle.

I really hope I can find my enthusiasm.


I bought a buggy

Last summer I was having a bit of a clear out. I decided  that I was done with baby making so I took a number of items including a baby bath and my double buggy and donated them to a charity shop.

I’ve been kind of kicking myself about that one now. The thing is a lot of the baby equipment that I have left over is on its last legs, but I absolutely resent having to buy new stuff for what will absolutely 100% be my last baby. I’m looking at my high chair and wondering if I can stretch its use just that little bit further…. I have already accepted that a new stage one carseat is in order. The donated double buggy is a real sore point for me too as I think I will need one for a few months at least until Little A is big enough and competent enough to manage the school run twice a day on foot. Squishy was 2 and a half before I retired her buggy and 3 years old before I retired the buggy board and expected her to go everywhere on foot. There will be overlap of maybe four months where a double buggy will be handy, and I could cry at the thought of spending a minimum of £200 on a buggy for those few months.

So when I saw the same model as my old double buggy for sale on my local Facebook Buy It/Sell It page for the princely sum of £50, I had to snap it up. Now I have to  A: try and not be superstitious about having it in the house and B: Hide it from the eldest as we still haven’t broken the news.

The funny thing about all of this is that money isn’t an issue. I could  easily go out and buy a brand new buggy and any number of other baby related things, it’s just long experience has taught me how brief the space of time these things are used is and how quickly all your lovely new baby  stuff acquires a patina of slobber, spew and unidentified foodstuffs. I am so far over the first time mother mentality that I had where everything had to be shiny new. I remember actually crying because the eldest slept in a borrowed moses basket and had a borrowed bouncy chair because it all had to be a sign of her impoverished childhood. Now I am quite happy to reuse whatever I can. In fact all of my children as newborns have gone into the same pack of side fastening baby vests. Hopefully later this year they will complete 12 years of service.

Am I being a cheapskate? Or am I just frugal and practical? I suppose I could always hand-make some seat covers with Cath Kidston fabric and give the chassis a coat of Annie Sloan Chalk Paint and tell people I’m upcycling. It’s all very Kirstie Allsop, darling!

As for the donated baby bath…. well I think we’ll manage just fine with the kitchen sink.

one woman's journey to get knocked up again