Back to charting. Gah. I hate this bit. I HATE charting, but because I’m a type A obsessive I can’t not do it. I can’t just relax and see what happens, I need to know where I’m at. I haven’t gone so far as to pick up the thermometer yet (that will probably come in the next few days) but I have started using OPKs again, now that I am fairly certain my beta hcg count is back down to zero so that’s not going to interfere with the OPK result.
I am struggling with the official advice to wait two cycles. To be honest, I wasn’t actually given any official advice, I was told that if I had methotrexate or if they had managed to salvage my tube I should wait two cycles. When the doctor stood by my bed post-op and told me that had taken my left tube but my right tube looked healthy, all he followed it up with was “so your fertility should be fine.” I’ve gotten the two cycle/three month “official” advice from Dr Google.
Aside from having three still healing puncture wounds in my stomach, a pretty intense sense of exhaustion and a burning pain in my naval if I over do it, I actually feel weirdly normal. The post-operative bleeding is gone, and wasn’t as bad as I was anticipating, and I’m just feeling impatient and chomping at the bit to get on with it. If i detect an impending ovulation I’m not sure I will be able to just sit on my hands and do nothing about it, which may be fine or it may be the stupidest idea in the history of my stupid ideas.
It was comforting to learn that losing a tube does not mean that your fertility is automatically halved, around 20-30% of the time (wish I could remember where I read that) an egg released from the tubeless ovary can wing its way across to the other tube, and a quick google will reveal lots of women saying that they got pregnant from an egg released from the other side (I’ve got to find a better way to word that, sounds like a paranormal egg). Still, I think our chances of immediately getting pregnant again probably aren’t that great so maybe it doesn’t matter if we give it a go? I’ll come back to this when I’ve made a decision on how dumb I am.
I do know that I am done with supplements like EPO and b vitamins. So many women self-medicate with herbs and vitamins and minerals, and sure maybe a lot of the time they do a little good, but the two cycles where I have gone crazy with them have both been stressful and ended badly, so I may suck up my shortish luteal phase (which will probably balance out with time, and was no hindrance apparently to actually getting pregnant on this last occasion, just a shame my baby didn’t implant in the right place). Basically, I am doing everything I can to make this as stress free as possible. I’ll take my folic acid, I’ll do OPKs, I’ll make a note of CM and (eventually) start taking my BBT again, but that’s it.
I’m still waiting to hear from the hospital about the results of the pathology report and whether or not they found, or there remains, any tissues to be released to it. After a lot of discussion we have finally decided that we are happy (that’s the wrong word), we are satisfied? with the hospital making arrangements for their disposal. They inter all remains during a service on the first Monday of every month, so it’ll be the start of February for us (assuming there is anything for them to inter). I’m not sure if I will go the service or not. I feel guilty at the thought of not going, but it’s also something I’m not sure I can face. It’s all hypothetical at this point anyway. I don’t know why but this loss feels different, maybe it’s because the beta was higher than it had ever got on my previous losses. I had an early positive, it seemed to be progressing well, I had every reason to think that it was going to be fine and there would be a baby at the end of it. I suppose, more than with the others, I have a feeling that if only this one had implanted in the right place there was a very good chance that he/she would have made it. This one feels more real, but it’s probably silly to think this way and torture myself with a massive bunch of hypotheticals. It’s just one of those things, it happened and it’s shitty but I had zero power to influence the outcome so why beat myself over the head with what ifs?
I am trying very hard to be positive and to see the silver linings. This experience has definitely brought me closer to my husband and has brought on a whole new heady surge of love for my existing children. It’s reminded me of how fantastic they are and how lucky I am to have them. I’m marveling in their wonderful, intense and unique little personalities, the beauty of their faces, how their hands feel in my mine and how my heart swells when I put my arms around them. I think I can live with it if my ttc journey ends here.
I still have a lot of decisions to make.