Category Archives: breastfeeding

27 Weeks

And I’m mere days away from the third trimester. I feel ginormous, my lungs feel squished and I’m constantly having to sit ridiculously upright in an attempt to stretch out my torso and not feel like my internal organs are being crushed. All that and I still have thirteen weeks to go? Where am I going to fit the rest of him in???

twenty seven weeks

 

The husband and I spent a few days in London last week (this pic was snapped in the hotel room mirror). I got to learn what it is like to be pregnant is ridiculous heat. It turns out it largely involves feet and ankles swelling to the point that it looked like I was baking loaves of bread in my shoes. That and all the rich holiday food meant that when I got home and stood on the scales it became apparent that at 27 weeks I have gained 44lbs.

Horrified doesn’t even come into it. I haven’t been able to stop eating but when I saw that number I realised that enough is enough and I have spent the last week cutting the crap and making sure I eat right. I think some of that weight must have been retained water because of the heat, but either way I have managed to lose eight pounds this week. I’d like to lose another eleven and then maintain at that until the end of the pregnancy to keep me to the total weight gain I should have had.

Yes, yes I know you’re not supposed to diet when pregnant, but really I’ve just been eating a very sensible diet. To give the example of one day last week for breakfast I had chopped banana, strawberries and raspberries topped with an organic bio yogurt, a handful of granola and a teaspoon of honey, lunch was a salad of spinach leaves, spring onions, tomato, shredded carrot, chopped apple and lean ham with a wholemeal pitta bread and some balsamic dressing, and dinner was a lamb tagine with wholewheat couscous. So I’m hardly starving myself! Right now I still weigh a few pounds more than I did after Little A was born and I cannot bear the thought of ending this pregnancy with a mountain of fat to shift when I was already  7lbs short of my little A pre-pregnancy weight when I got this BFP.

Speaking of Little A… I really thought she would have weaned herself by now. We reached a point where she was going a few days sometimes between nursings. I assumed that the trip to London would be the  end of it, three days away with no boob access at all. I didn’t bother to bring a pump or anything in an attempt to keep supply going. If anything she’s had a renewed interest since I got back, including a whole new vocabulary to  go with it “I want the boob. I want this one” *points*.

I’m definitely in the throes of a nursing aversion. I HATE nursing her, it makes me skin crawl and gets me so cranky and agitated. She seems to be especially fussy while nursing too, poking at me, grabbing my face, generally mucking around. I know most of the time I am sitting with an involuntary horrified expression on my face. It is so weird to me because I am so passionate about breastfeeding but this seems to be a physical, visceral reaction that I have NO control over. I’m sticking it out though, if she weans before the baby arrives then that’s fine, if she doesn’t and we end up tandem nursing that is okay too as I’m sure these feelings will pass by then (please don’t last for the next thirteen weeks!)

 

 

19 Weeks Today

Apologies for the bit of the gap there in posting. I meant to sit down and write a post at least half a dozen times but for whatever reason it just hasn’t happened.

19 weeks today (according to my dates and not wacky scan date). How are things going?

Well I’m feeling a lot more movement, still all low down and no one else has managed to catch it yet but I can feel the baby kicking away. My bump has rapidly expanded to the point where it’s quite noticeable when I am looking down at it. I’m not quite at the point of balancing cereal bowls on it but I don’t think that’s actually too far away. I’m starting to find it uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach but can usually manage a sort of sideways compromise with the aid of some pillow between my knees. I’m still plagued with indigestion. I don’t think I’ve had a single day’s respite from it so I’m very grateful to whoever invented ranitidine. Still two weeks until my anomaly scan.

And my milk has officially dried up. I’ve tried expressing a few times and got absolutely zilch. Squishy is still asking to nurse from time to time and she’ll spend maybe a minute on before scampering off. I don’t think she’s getting any milk at all so it must be a comfort thing, which I would feel better about if it wasn’t so darn painful. It never occurred to me that my milk would dry up, it seems like everything I read pre-pregnancy about nursing and breastfeeding just talked about the taste of the milk changing or the switch to colostrum, now it seems like everything I read is about milk drying up come the 19-20 week mark. How did I miss that???

So that’s it for now. I’ll add a bump picture later once the battery on my phone is charged. The boy is running it down constantly with games of “Hangry Birds” as he likes it call it.

Changes

When I had my other kids I was considerably bigger than I am now, so there are a few experiences of pregnancy that I sort of missed out on. One was an appreciable difference in the size of my boobs. The thing was I had pretty huge boobs to begin with and they got a little bit bigger, it was enough to notice having to go up a cup size or two but it didn’t make a huge difference overall to how my cleavage looked. When I lost the weight I lost my boobs along with it. I shrunk from an E cup to a C. Now a C might not sound that small but to me they were positively tiny, they also took on a look of being slightly deflated. I started saving then and there for the boob job I plan to have once I’m done with baby making and nursing.

But all of a sudden they’ve sprung back again, gone is that spaniel’s ear look and I’m back to big bouncy globes. I keep staring at my own chest in wonderment. I can’t believe it took me to my 4th pregnancy to experience this. It’s joyous. I can actually laugh at this poster now

The downside is though that I think my milk has dried up. I tried to express a little this morning and got absolutely nada, zlich, none. Now I know that Squishy is far more efficient at extracting milk than either myself or a breast pump but I can’t help but feel this is another nail in the coffin.

My bump also appears to have rapidly expanded all of a sudden too. I’ve been reading the baby centre app on my phone that the baby is going to go through a major growth spurt about now. I can well believe that. I spent the weekend feeling either ravenously hungry or thoroughly nauseasted. The faint pregnancy glow I had for around half an hour last week (when I thought to myself “ooo my skin has cleared up and it’s feeling really soft and my hair is quite shiny!”) evaporated rapidly and has been replaced by another skin outbreak. This has to be a hormone surge.

Still not feeling much on the movement front, still at the point now of not being sure if the little bubbles I feel are kicks are wind. By this stage with the boy I’d been feeling him kick for weeks and the husband was able to feel the kicks too. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I have an anterior placenta. They didn’t mention it when I had my last scan but I’ve been comparing my scan picture with other scans of anterior placentas and they all look quite similar. I’ve never really noticed my placenta in any scans before and it was quite obvious at the twelve week scan. It would explain why I am getting so little movement. It’s another four weeks almost until my anomaly scan so I suppose I’ll have to wait until then to ask about it.

So finally, here is my bump picture from last week. It was taken at 16 + 5.

Don’t think I’m ready for this.

I was getting ready for bed last night and as I brushed my teeth it occurred to me that I hadn’t nursed once all day. That’s the first time in over two years that has happened (well excluding a two day excursion to London but I was pumping every three hours so it still felt like nursing). It was quite a shock. When I thought back over it I don’t even remember Squishy asking to nurse.

This morning she nursed as usual well we got up (well to be honest I offered it rather than distracting her right away with mention of cereal) but a few minutes ago when she asked for a drink I offered nursing to her and she turned it down in favour of cow’s milk. That is also the first time that has ever happened. I’ve moaned on for ages about her reliance on the boob but it’s really starting to hit me now that it may be well and truly down to it’s last days and it is far more upsetting a thought than I ever thought it would be.

I know I’ve said that I would let her wean at her pace, and I was sort of hoping that she would self wean before the baby arrives, but there was a little bit of me too that loves our nursing relationship and loved the idea of tandem nursing for a while, despite the fact that the people around me are seeing it as increasingly weird for me to still be nursing a two year old. She’s still my baby in so many ways. I actually had this discussion with the husband while we were sitting in the waiting room of the antenatal clinic last week. Even he thinks it’s a bit weird. I’ll admit I am getting a little embarrassed about her demands for boob when other people are around (but I guess that’s down to their reaction than my own feelings about it). I tried to explain to the husband that the two of us are both still getting huge benefits from nursing (brain boosting and immunological benefits for her, protection from osteoporosis and breast and ovarian cancer for me – plus the weight maintenance boost). I guess I’m a little scared to say good bye to something that has been such a huge part of our relationship from day one. It’s that little bit of her not needing me any more, that further step towards independence.

I’m not going to fight it, that would be weird, and I firmly believe they should wean when they are ready and not on anyone else’s schedule where possible, but it’s still a very sad day for me. It’s hard to believe just six months ago she was still nursing as much as 15 times a day and now she’s rapidly becoming an independent little lady.

I suppose the consolation is the next stage is always exciting and brings it’s own rewards, and I have building a nursing relationship with the new baby to look forward to.

Scrap that. She climbed into my lap and said “I want the boob”

Lol and just when I was getting all dramatic.

Come on lil eggy.

 

 

 This is the OPK I did last night. I’m fairly certain it’s a positive. I repeated it this morning and again this afternoon and I can see the surge fading out again. Right now I’m having some niggling pains in my right side which I hope are ovulation. I can’t help but be excited. I have read so much stuff about how you’re more fertile after a miscarriage and I hope it’s true. It’s certainly true in my case that I conceived my daughter right after my last miscarriage and she’s a very healthy almost two year old who disrupted our Jo Jingles music class this morning with loud demands for “boob!”

I really have to come up with another word for that.

But as I said I’m excited. I’m excited to think that we have another shot at this and I maybe don’t have to wait around weeks and weeks to ovulate again. I have cut down pretty drastically on the amount that dd is nursing, it’s maybe two or three times a day now and doesn’t tend to be at all after about 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I think my hormones are stabilising, my BBT hasn’t been as rocky, though I have been having to deal with estrogen induced acne. It’s hard to feel sexy when your face has broken out like a teenager’s. It all feels more like it did when I had a normal regular cycle all those years ago. I used to have one of those nice entirely predictable 28 day cycles, the only time it ever threw me was the month before I conceived my son, and aren’t I glad about that?

I’m also a little glad that I don’t have to face endless weeks of SMEPing.

All that remains now is to see if my temperature rises and I can confirm ovulation. I am thinking that maybe I will stop temping once ovulation has been confirmed. I want to at least try and stay a little relaxed and not agonise over what the thermometer is telling me. I’d also like to try and hold out on testing. For the start I don’t want to spend stupid amounts of money on tests again when ultimately they have no effect whatsoever on the outcome.

So fingers crossed for me that there is an egg on the way out and that it gets to make a nice new friend when it does, and in 9 months we get to say our family is complete.

CD3?

Cycle day 3 I think.

The ambiguity around the miscarriage has left me fairly confused. I don’t know where exactly I am in this cycle. I’m not sure when to say it began. It’s annoying, I spent an awfully long time waiting for my fertility to return, had to guess around a lot of dates, got pregnant, miscarried, and I’m still no clearer about what is going on with my body. I have to play the guessing game again. I guess I started to miscarry over a week ago when I got the blood result that showed the levels were falling, do I count that as CD1? or do I count the day that I got a negative test?

I did ask the doctor about trying to conceive again but he went with the party line of wait one cycle. I didn’t expect him to say anything else so I wasn’t going to press too hard for answers.

So whether it’s entirely logical or not I’m going to go with the day that I got the negative test as CD1. Of course I don’t know if I’m going to have a normal cycle, I’m still breastfeeding so it could be weeks or months before I ovulate again. I really wish I was friends with a gynaecologist or that the internet was more like the computers on Star Trek and you could ask a direct question and get a reliable, evidence based answer, but alas it’s not so I just have to muddle on.

So what’s the plan for this cycle? Well I’m staying away from the soy isoflavones. I don’t think they contributed at all to the miscarriage but I don’t think I need to be messing with my hormones right now either. I’m also staying away from the agnus castus/vitex. That’s partly from a not wanting to muck about with my hormones perspective, but more so because I’ve run out and don’t really have the time/money or go get more. I am starting on the evening primrose oil again, continuing with the folic acid and the vitamins B6 & 12. I’m chugging down a daily glass of pink grapefruit juice again. I’ve ordered a bunch of OPKs from eBay and I have my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor prepped and ready to go, though I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to use it yet (it is not friends with irregular cycles and mucho ambiguity).

I am SO unimpressed with being back here and staring down the barrel of a loooooong cycle. I do not enjoy checking all the fertility signs and generally all the effort that’s involved in TTC, but I guess if I want a baby this is what I gotta do.

Just wish I had a better idea of where I am.

4 weeks and 1 day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I admit, you have to be a pretty dedicated squinter to see the progression in these tests, but I assure you, the lines are there, even if they are ridiculously faint in the early ones (and maybe not so convincing later on).

It’s sending my mind into a paranoid overdrive. I want blaring pink lines, apparently even a digital isn’t enough to convince me. I think when you suffer a lose, you lose some innocence and worry dogs you until you hit 12 weeks.

 

I’m probably going to keep doing tests until I get it confirmed by the doctor. Yay for the HPT companies, boo for my bank balance.

I feel so emotional right now. I think I randomly burst into tears at least half a dozen times yesterday, and I don’t want to wish my life away but I do want to fast forward a bit. I’m hoping it is all good signs that I conceived on my son’s birthday, confirmed it with a digi on my husband’s birthday and I’ll be 12 weeks on my daughter’s birthday. Okay it’s not exactly scientific….

I need to shift the focus away from obsessing over pee sticks though. I’ll be honest I wasn’t the healthiest individual in the world during my other pregnancies. I was obese and I continued to eat quite badly. I worked very hard in the last year to shed the excess weight and lost 93lbs in total but a few of the old bad habits have been creeping in over the summer and I have regained a bit of the weight (about 7lbs). So now I really need to think about nutrition, about eating healthily and well. I followed the Weight Watchers programme to lose the weight and I’m going to continue to stick with it, using my maintenance points and a couple of extra because I’m still breastfeeding. My best friend (with whom I share too much) has agreed to be an activity buddy for me as well and we’re getting set to take regular walks and swimming sessions today. I’m determined to face this pregnancy in the best shape I could possibly be in, especially since I have a toddler to maintain as well. I’m also determined to actually do my kegels for once.

I’m spending some time now googling and working out a meal plan for myself to follow.

Squeeze……………..

And release.