One of the comments after my post yesterday made me stop and think. It’s not that I am not grateful to be pregnant or that I don’t get how lucky I am to be pregnant and to get pregnant so easily (two ectopics and a miscarriage aside).
Given everything else that is going on in my life, especially with the demanding, time consuming and complicated needs of the eldest child, I am downright terrified that I won’t be able to cope with the additional demands of a new baby. In reality I probably will cope, though it will be tough and draining, but I am entitled to my fear. I’m not wrong or a bad person because that fear is over-shadowing what should be a very joyous time. I don’t want my pregnancy to go away but at the same time I can’t sit day-dreaming about it because I have the practicalities of four other children to consider. So when I say I hope I get my enthusiasm, I mean I hope I can shelve those worries and capture that feeling of happy anticipation. It may come some way down the line when this pregnancy begins to feel more real, it may come when things settle with the eldest. I’m sure I’ll get there eventually when I’ve had time to process my worries and move on.