So much for waiting until Sunday or Monday to test again. I had a bit of a wobble this morning and found myself tearing open the wrapper on my final Clear Blue digital. I dipped it, sat back, waited FOREVER (why do they take so long? It’s agony watching that little timer). The whole time I was castigating myself for being so impatient. “You know it’s going to come up 2-3 and then you’re going to have to go spend another £13.99 buying two more” went my inner dialogue, along with a panicked voice that wonder what if it comes up 1-2.
I have a gross confession to make. I kissed the test when it came up 3+. Not on the pee covered bit or anything, but still… yeah kinda gross.
I am 5 weeks exactly today so I am hoping it’s a good sign I got my 3+. I’ve asked my sister to make me an appointment with my GP next week (she works there). I posted in the past about the hcg levels associated with the different results on the Clear Blue digital. I’m really not sure how accurate that information was, but I do believe that 3+ comes up beyond 2000. The hcg chart on Beta Base has the median result for 21dpo as 1280, so it would appear I am on track.
I also managed to accidentally out myself this morning. I joined a closed board for women who are pregnant again after loss. I was certain that no one I knew would be on there, but the second person to respond to my first post was one of the ladies from my son’s birth board. She’s promised to keep my secret but I still kind of want to kick myself for not checking the member list before posting!
So I’m trying to keep my mind on distractions now. I have a cake to make for a friend’s husband’s birthday (it’s currently in the oven and is to be shaped into boobs) and then on Saturday I am going with the best friend (with whom I share too much) to watch a NTL screening of Coriolanus. I have been dying to chat to her about the play but don’t want to give any spoilers so I’ve had to keep schtum. She’s 15 weeks pregnant now and we’re both a little hormonal so I shall have my handbag well stocked with tissues.
I will admit I am kind of terrified about seeing my GP and going for a scan (who knows when that will be). Sometimes I think I should be proactive and go in right away and other times I’m tempted to just bury my head in the sand and hope that if I ignore it, it’ll all work out. Right now I am feeling fairly positive but then I have to pull myself up and think don’t assume it’ll all work out because it might not. I just keep thinking about when I was sitting in the waiting room of the EPU last time chatting with the best friend about the things we’d need to buy for the baby and name ideas etc. so certain that it was all going to be fine, only to have the rug unceremoniously pulled out from under my feet just hours later. But it’s hard not to be hopeful and it’s hard not to feel attached.
* Just adding a little note about the Clear Blue digital. I have been told that it comes up 3+ above 2600.