Time for a check in and nothing too exciting is going on around here except I feel nauseous 90% of the time, I am eating a horrendous amount of carbs and between bloat and carb-related weight gain I look about four months pregnant already.
I decided this morning that I should probably ring and make an appointment with the midwives to book in but when I called I was told that I couldn’t make an appointment without first doing a pregnancy test at the GP’s surgery. I explained I’d seen my GP, been to the EPU, had a positive blood test at the hospital and two scans but it’s a bit of a “computer says no” situation. Le sigh. Bureaucracy is a wonderful thing.
Could be a few weeks then before I get an appointment and who knows how long it will be after that before I get my dating scan. I don’t feel in a particular rush for either though so I suppose it’s okay. I’d probably be content with booking a private scan for twelve weeks and sauntering along to the midwives some time in April just to get the ball rolling for the anatomy scan. If my last pregnancies are anything to go by I think they’ll see me at booking in and then not again until something like 28 weeks (might be longer than that, I can’t remember), anyway, since aside from scans it’s standard to leave me pretty much to my own devices for most of the time I don’t feel any overwhelming need to see them anytime soon. However, we booked our first family holiday this week and every spare penny over the next few months needs to go towards that so I doubt a private scan is something I can reasonably do.
Oh there is one fun pregnancy symptom I must share. I am already suffering from horrendous baby brain. The husband and I are going to London in July to see Monty Python and I decided to book our flights last weekend, I got a great price and I was feeling great about myself, that is until I looked at the dates and realised I had booked for June instead of July. I also emailed him today at work before remembering he is sitting upstairs. I’m sure there are many more moments of raging idiocy and forgetfulness to come.
A quick post this evening, I just want to report that I had my repeat scan and things are looking good. We have a little baby in there with a nice yolk sac (that’s the round thing sitting to one side) and a heartbeat! I actually got to hear it too which is a new experience for me this early. The EPU are happy to discharge me and have me go into the normal system so the next step now is to make my booking appointment.
One thing is irritating me a little. I posted last week about how I had ended up telling my sister because I was upset at the doctor’s office. She then took it upon herself to tell the rest of my family. I don’t want to start an argument with her but it’s really bugging me. When I went into labour with little A, I had turned off comments on my facebook wall because I didn’t want to announce to the world at large that the baby was on the way. My sister then posted about it on her page AND gave away the sex of the baby, which we had been keeping secret. I guess I just wish she’d develop some boundaries and realise that some news is not her’s to deliver.
Oh man what a day.
Well I went to see my GP at 1.40 and she immediately got on the phone with EPU to ask them to see them. They refused! Their response was wait and see. My GP started to argue with them that given my history and the fact I was rupturing at 5+2 last time it was really inappropriate to not at the very least perform a beta hcg test. She then told them she was going to send me up anyway.
I got out of her office and burst into tears. Luckily my sister works at my GP’s surgery so she was on hand to give me hugs and reassurance. She then got out of work early and came with me to the hospital.
They were pretty dismissive when I got there and said they were unlikely to see anything on a scan but they would do an urgent beta and based on the result of that, they might perform a scan. The SHO then decided to do a scan anyway while we were waiting. She couldn’t see anything on it but said it was likely that I was too early. We waited around for an hour and half for the beta to come back. The reg then appeared and said it was high, very high, at 4000 so he would do a repeat scan and expected to see something. If he said if he didn’t see anything with numbers that high I would have to stay in and go for another laparoscopy.
So it was time for another transvaginal ultrasound. Quite apart from the terror I felt at the prospect of what they would or wouldn’t find I just kept thinking, oh gawd. I haven’t shaved my legs in a week.
The great news is he immediately located the sac and fetal pole in my uterus!!!! I could have kissed him. He insists with hcg that high I must be at least six weeks but I am 100% certain on when I ovulated. He wants me to come back for a repeat scan next Friday and hopefully we will see a heartbeat then. He thinks the pain is probably muscular, and possibly coming from my laparoscopy scar (one of the ports is on my right side, pretty much exactly where my right tube is so could logically account for the pain.
I am so relieved I can’t even put it into words. I have been a total mess all day. I really don’t think i have ever felt terror like it, to hear this isn’t another ectopic is just the best.
Big fat PHEW.
So last night I started getting a pain in my right side. It’s not severe, but it’s there and I am hyper aware of it. It’s a kind of burning pain, similar to what I felt last time. Naturally I am on a Def Con 1 of a freak out right now. I had a good cry last night and went to sleep, woke up this morning and it’s still there. I’m off to see my doctor this afternoon and I am completely and utterly terrified of what they will tell me. In fact, I am sitting here assuming the worse and feeling sick with terror. There is quite the battle going on in my head right between the little voice that says it’ll be okay, and the much bigger louder voice that is screaming DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!
I am so spectacularly unimpressed with my husband who has gone off to work as it wouldn’t occur to him that I might need him around. He never comes to the EPU with me and I am fed up of going there alone. He’s not great with talking about feelings, in fact he spent most of this morning cracking jokes, which made me want to crack a plate over his head.
I’m almost too scared to hope that everything is okay.
So much for waiting until Sunday or Monday to test again. I had a bit of a wobble this morning and found myself tearing open the wrapper on my final Clear Blue digital. I dipped it, sat back, waited FOREVER (why do they take so long? It’s agony watching that little timer). The whole time I was castigating myself for being so impatient. “You know it’s going to come up 2-3 and then you’re going to have to go spend another £13.99 buying two more” went my inner dialogue, along with a panicked voice that wonder what if it comes up 1-2.
I have a gross confession to make. I kissed the test when it came up 3+. Not on the pee covered bit or anything, but still… yeah kinda gross.
I am 5 weeks exactly today so I am hoping it’s a good sign I got my 3+. I’ve asked my sister to make me an appointment with my GP next week (she works there). I posted in the past about the hcg levels associated with the different results on the Clear Blue digital. I’m really not sure how accurate that information was, but I do believe that 3+ comes up beyond 2000. The hcg chart on Beta Base has the median result for 21dpo as 1280, so it would appear I am on track.
I also managed to accidentally out myself this morning. I joined a closed board for women who are pregnant again after loss. I was certain that no one I knew would be on there, but the second person to respond to my first post was one of the ladies from my son’s birth board. She’s promised to keep my secret but I still kind of want to kick myself for not checking the member list before posting!
So I’m trying to keep my mind on distractions now. I have a cake to make for a friend’s husband’s birthday (it’s currently in the oven and is to be shaped into boobs) and then on Saturday I am going with the best friend (with whom I share too much) to watch a NTL screening of Coriolanus. I have been dying to chat to her about the play but don’t want to give any spoilers so I’ve had to keep schtum. She’s 15 weeks pregnant now and we’re both a little hormonal so I shall have my handbag well stocked with tissues.
I will admit I am kind of terrified about seeing my GP and going for a scan (who knows when that will be). Sometimes I think I should be proactive and go in right away and other times I’m tempted to just bury my head in the sand and hope that if I ignore it, it’ll all work out. Right now I am feeling fairly positive but then I have to pull myself up and think don’t assume it’ll all work out because it might not. I just keep thinking about when I was sitting in the waiting room of the EPU last time chatting with the best friend about the things we’d need to buy for the baby and name ideas etc. so certain that it was all going to be fine, only to have the rug unceremoniously pulled out from under my feet just hours later. But it’s hard not to be hopeful and it’s hard not to feel attached.
* Just adding a little note about the Clear Blue digital. I have been told that it comes up 3+ above 2600.
I’m getting sucked in to testing again! But at least I suppose I am being relatively sensible, this is only the 3rd test I’ve done in the last week and a half and I won’t test again until next week when hopefully I will see 3+. If that happens I will take myself off to the doctor then and arrange an early scan.
I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve had no pain (yay!), I’ve just felt a bit tired and had the occasional very very mild wave of nausea. I had an absolutely wonderful weekend away. I went to see Coriolanus at the Donmar Warehouse. Let me say that play and surging hormones do not mix well. I wept like a child and left the theatre feeling a complete emotional wreck Totally off topic I know but if you get the chance to see it, either live or at one of the National Theatre Live screenings, do!
One fantastic thing about the weekend was I had three days where I just didn’t think about it at all. I think I need to continue filling my days with nice distractions because it certainly helps the time to go by.