The Fear

When I got pregnant with my eldest  I did two tests, and that was only because I didn’t believe the first one. With the boy I did one test, because it never occurred to me to do more than one, you got two lines it meant you were pregnant (and it was time to hyperventilate). Between the boy being born and getting pregnant with the Squishy one, Clear Blue brought out those digital tests with the conception indicators, and I had my first miscarriage and ventured into the world of TTC forums for the first time. Suddenly it seemed like the done thing was to test repeatedly to see a good progression on standard test and then to break out the digitals and wait to see it move from 1-2, to 2 to 3+. I actually dread to think of the amount of money I have spent on pregnancy tests over the years, especially after I got a positive.

This time it is different though. Saturday’s test was a total squinter, granted (it’s a bit clearer in real life compared to the photos I posted here), but I can’t seem to bring myself to test again. I don’t want to know to be honest. I don’t want to obsess over lines, are they getting darker? It’s the same reason I cannot bring myself to call my doctor either because I know her first action will be to send me to the EPU and they will insist on a transvaginal ultrasound (they always do) even though I know I am so, so early and (if things are progressing) my hcg is probably only 20 at most. Then will come the dreaded betas and sitting by the phone all day feeling sick until I get the result, and feeling sick for two days waiting for the next one and so on. I think I feel particularly petrified about it because I breezed into the EPU last time assuming everything was fine and it really knocked me for six when it didn’t double on the second beta. I just don’t want to know.

I totally get why people test repeatedly.  I used to find something very satisfying about lining up all my tests and seeing the line darken, I’m just too scared to do it in case it’s not good news, so for now I am taking a “la la la I’m not listening” approach. I am trying to be positive and not let the dark thoughts consume me.

Maybe I’ll test again on Wednesday.

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