Setting Myself Up For a Fall

I went to the scan this morning with the best friend (with whom I share too much). I am very pleased to report that all is going well. I was just blown away by the detail on the ultrasound. I remember having my first scan with my eldest (who has turned 12 today by the way, how the heck did I end up with a 12 year old???). I had my first scan with her at 16 weeks and honestly all she looked like was a kidney bean with a spine. Today we could see facial features! I reckon by the time my children are reproducing their scans will be 3D holographic projections like on Star Trek.

It’s also five years ago today since I got the BFP that turned into my first miscarriage.

I did a stupid thing this morning. I took a test because, despite all the reasons in my head NOT to do it, I had that little bubble of hope that whispered maybe the universe will be kind. It wasn’t. I got a nice BFN before having to stick my clothes on and getting ready to go to the clinic. 8 dpo is stupidly early I know, but this was the test I got at that point last cycle


So it didn’t seem outside the realm of possibility. But no, I got this instead


I was so desperate to see something I even spent ten minutes tweaking it on my computer to see if I could pull a line (inverting it, upping the saturation and the contrast). No dice. In a truly desperate moment, on the way home from the hospital, I swung by Lloyds Pharmacy and picked up a Viola Super Early Pregnancy Test. They are supposed to be sensitive to 5mIu/ml. It was an equally joyless experience and (sorry the TMI) when I finished I noticed a little bit of bright red spotting so I guess my period is on its way (and I’m having the crummiest luteal phase yet of just 7 days).

I feel thoroughly depressed. Getting pregnant right now is probably a bad idea given that I am still recovering from the laparoscopy but I just want to be there. I hate being back at the start of the process. I should be 9 weeks and getting ready for my own scan. I should be complaining about morning sickness and indigestion. I am so happy for the best friend, but today I am just aching for my own loss.


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