Progression

Today is 13 dpo and I finally cracked and did the other First Response that has been sitting in my medicine cabinet. It was a nerve wracking experience staring at the test and waiting for the line to develop. I’ve been so paranoid that maybe Saturday’s test was just an evap and I was jumping the gun thinking it was positive, but I am happy to report that I got a very good line today and so, for now, I am definitely pregnant.

13dpo

 

I’m still utterly terrified to get my hopes up. I’m trying to distract myself with thoughts of this weekend, where I’m feeling enormous levels of anxiety about having to get a few trains from the airport to my friend’s house. I’m a 32 year old woman ffs but the terror of accidentally getting on the wrong train is making my blood run cold. The eldest child (who considers herself a veteran of the Greater London area train system) keeps offering to go with me, you know, to hold my hand while I get about. I’m actually tempted. Pathetic I know, I want a 12 year old to babysit me. I have always been a ridiculously anxious traveler. I’m the sort that would rather turn up at the airport four hours early rather than risk being five minutes late.  But I guess on the plus side at least the terror of this is stopping me from obsessing about what is going on in my uterus (fingers crossed it is in my uterus).

The Fear

When I got pregnant with my eldest  I did two tests, and that was only because I didn’t believe the first one. With the boy I did one test, because it never occurred to me to do more than one, you got two lines it meant you were pregnant (and it was time to hyperventilate). Between the boy being born and getting pregnant with the Squishy one, Clear Blue brought out those digital tests with the conception indicators, and I had my first miscarriage and ventured into the world of TTC forums for the first time. Suddenly it seemed like the done thing was to test repeatedly to see a good progression on standard test and then to break out the digitals and wait to see it move from 1-2, to 2 to 3+. I actually dread to think of the amount of money I have spent on pregnancy tests over the years, especially after I got a positive.

This time it is different though. Saturday’s test was a total squinter, granted (it’s a bit clearer in real life compared to the photos I posted here), but I can’t seem to bring myself to test again. I don’t want to know to be honest. I don’t want to obsess over lines, are they getting darker? It’s the same reason I cannot bring myself to call my doctor either because I know her first action will be to send me to the EPU and they will insist on a transvaginal ultrasound (they always do) even though I know I am so, so early and (if things are progressing) my hcg is probably only 20 at most. Then will come the dreaded betas and sitting by the phone all day feeling sick until I get the result, and feeling sick for two days waiting for the next one and so on. I think I feel particularly petrified about it because I breezed into the EPU last time assuming everything was fine and it really knocked me for six when it didn’t double on the second beta. I just don’t want to know.

I totally get why people test repeatedly.  I used to find something very satisfying about lining up all my tests and seeing the line darken, I’m just too scared to do it in case it’s not good news, so for now I am taking a “la la la I’m not listening” approach. I am trying to be positive and not let the dark thoughts consume me.

Maybe I’ll test again on Wednesday.

Oh My Glob

I had the following exchange with the best friend (with whom I share too much) this afternoon

screen shot

You may well be squinting at the screen now, even I admit that it is a terrible picture. Here is a better one

unnamed

unnamed

Or to put it another way, I think it may be a case of

tom

(Okay, I admit I’m shamelessly fangirling like a 14 year old over Tom Hiddleston at the moment, thank heavens the husband is very understanding).

Oh my glob. Oh my glob. Oh my glob.

I did not see this coming, and now I am completely, totally and utterly freaking out. What if it’s not in the right place? What if I have another miscarriage? I don’t even want to get my hopes up that this will work out but every fibre of my being is desperately wishing it will. I guess maybe I did ovulate on the right? (even though I felt like someone was stabbing my left ovary) or maybe the egg somehow managed to make the trip across the void to my right tube? I should probably go see my GP right away but I could be sick at the thought of more betas at the minute. I’m off to London next weekend to visit a friend and see a play and I’ve been looking forward to it so much, I sort of want to get that out of the way before I face reality. The thought of this break has been one of the few things that have been helping to keep my mood up.

I don’t know what to do, but please baby be in the right place and STICK!

Setting Myself Up For a Fall

I went to the scan this morning with the best friend (with whom I share too much). I am very pleased to report that all is going well. I was just blown away by the detail on the ultrasound. I remember having my first scan with my eldest (who has turned 12 today by the way, how the heck did I end up with a 12 year old???). I had my first scan with her at 16 weeks and honestly all she looked like was a kidney bean with a spine. Today we could see facial features! I reckon by the time my children are reproducing their scans will be 3D holographic projections like on Star Trek.

It’s also five years ago today since I got the BFP that turned into my first miscarriage.

I did a stupid thing this morning. I took a test because, despite all the reasons in my head NOT to do it, I had that little bubble of hope that whispered maybe the universe will be kind. It wasn’t. I got a nice BFN before having to stick my clothes on and getting ready to go to the clinic. 8 dpo is stupidly early I know, but this was the test I got at that point last cycle

8dpo

So it didn’t seem outside the realm of possibility. But no, I got this instead

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I was so desperate to see something I even spent ten minutes tweaking it on my computer to see if I could pull a line (inverting it, upping the saturation and the contrast). No dice. In a truly desperate moment, on the way home from the hospital, I swung by Lloyds Pharmacy and picked up a Viola Super Early Pregnancy Test. They are supposed to be sensitive to 5mIu/ml. It was an equally joyless experience and (sorry the TMI) when I finished I noticed a little bit of bright red spotting so I guess my period is on its way (and I’m having the crummiest luteal phase yet of just 7 days).

I feel thoroughly depressed. Getting pregnant right now is probably a bad idea given that I am still recovering from the laparoscopy but I just want to be there. I hate being back at the start of the process. I should be 9 weeks and getting ready for my own scan. I should be complaining about morning sickness and indigestion. I am so happy for the best friend, but today I am just aching for my own loss.

Cycle Day 26 – 7 DPO.

I think I’m out. I don’t know what possessed me, but yesterday i took my BBT when I woke up and it had dropped a little, so naturally I took it again today (I don’t normal temp beyond confirming ovulation) and it has dropped again. I’m feeling very negative this morning (see this is why I don’t usually continue past ovulation! it can set me up for a terrible mood for the day). I think we are out this month and AF is on the way. Once that happens I’m going to take myself back to the GP to have a talk about the weird pains I’m continuing to have, the burning pain is continuing, right now it’s focused on the right side. It was very intense last night, almost to the point where I was going to take pain-killers. My sister suffers from endometriosis and it makes me very nervous when some of the symptoms I am describing match her experience. It’s not normal whatever it is, it can’t be normal to spend two weeks out of every four in pain.

It’s probably the PMS making me feel so bleak.

Cycle Day 25 – 6 DPO.

I’m mere days away from testing time. I think I was around 8 dpo when I got a positive last cycle, in the past I have gotten BFPs at 9dpo. This morning I ordered a few packs of First Response from Amazon and I know what I’m like, I will probably take the first test on Friday or Saturday.

Actually Friday is a bit of a conundrum. The best friend (with whom I share too much) is pregnant, she is due around the same time I would have been. She has her first scan on Friday morning, and as her partner can’t get to it, I volunteered to go with her to keep her company. There are probably some people who would find that upsetting or couldn’t handle it, but I think I’ll be okay with it. I mean I am absolutely fine with her being pregnant and me not, her journey has nothing to do with mine. Actually it’s a bit of a relief for me that I am fine with it because when the ectopic was diagnosed I did worry that her on-going pregnancy might be upsetting for me and how hard would it be to cope with those feelings when she is the closest person in the world to me?

But I suspect I could be setting myself up for a fall to test and get a BFN before heading off to her scan with her, so Saturday is probably the better option. Then sometimes I think I’d probably just be better to hold out until Monday when my AF is due and potentially save myself the expense of testing altogether.

With the random pains on both sides continuing I couldn’t reliably say which side I ovulated from, so I really don’t know what our chances are of actually getting a BFP this month. I keep telling myself that it probably isn’t high and not to get my hopes up. I really am nervous about what my emotional reaction will be either way. I’ve tended towards a short luteal phase since my cycle returned, averaging around ten days, so at least I don’t have long to wait to know, and if this cycle is a BFN at least I can enjoy a few glasses of wine when the husband and I go away for Valentine’s Day. We haven’t done anything for Valentine’s Day in about six years, and I was pregnant with the boy then so it was sober and indigestion ridden.

Always a silver lining.

Cycle Day 23 – 4dpo

So I did ovulate last week, a temperature rise confirmed it, or a sustained thermal shift as it’s called in the business. I don’t know if it’s an early dose of PMS or what but I woke up on Saturday morning in an atrocious mood and it’s stuck about ever since. I feel deflated and depressed and dissatisfied with my life. I’ve had a skin break out of epic proportions, can’t seem to stick to my diet for love nor money, I’m bored and in desperate need of both an eyebrow threading and a haircut. I fear I look like something of a demented hedge witch. I keep thinking if I can just sort out how I look, and get around to all those DIY jobs at home then calm will be restored and I will feel good again.

Maybe it says something about our consumerist culture, but every time I feel like my emotions are a bit chaotic and out of control I get an overwhelming urge to go to Ikea and buy storage solutions.

All of this was not helped today by the Squishy one throwing a tantrum of epic proportions when she was forced to sit on my knee on the bus as there were no spare seats near by. She screamed, kicked, hit and bit me (!!!!) for 15 solid minutes. Absolutely mortifying.

Crazy hedge witch with her screaming child on a bus. Yup, she’s really got it together. It’s almost time to eat now and I haven’t got the energy to cook so it’s likely dinner will be toast based before I do his homework with the boy and then breathe a sigh of relief when I hoof the lot of them to bed.

I’m also continuing to get some pain around the region of my ovaries. That, I guess relatively, mild burning pain is persisting, along with the odd throb. I know it is far too early to be implantation or anything of that sort, but it’s so similar to the pains that I felt last cycle that I can’t help but feel a bit nervous about it. It is all weighing on my mind, especially we weren’t exactly (or at all) careful about avoiding ttc this month. I have very muddled feelings about the whole thing. Some days I think I absolutely must have another baby, other days I think no I’m definitely done. I think I’m really, really scared of another ectopic.

But I just got an apology from the Squishy one about her outburst, I just spent the last twenty minutes playing with a laughing and very happy Little A, and if all else fails there are always things like this on the internet