It’s Over Now

I went for the return beta on Christmas eve, it had fallen a little to 337 so they asked me to come in on Christmas morning for the methotrexate shot. When I got in they informed me that pharmacy was working on an out of hours basis and I could be sitting around for several hours waiting for the drugs to come up to the ward. We decided that I would go home and they would call me to come in the next day when the drugs were available. I waited for the call and when they eventually did ring they were still having the same issues with pharmacy so it would be the 27th. It occurred to me that I hadn’t discussed the fact that I am still breastfeeding with the doctors so I brought it up, they said I would have to wean if I wanted the methotrexate shot. I was adamant I wouldn’t wean, I mean it’s bad enough to lose this baby and perhaps even lose the possibility that I’ll ever have another. I just couldn’t face abruptly weaning Arya, she is still so reliant on nursing, it’s the only thing that settles her down at night, and well I love it. I love feeling so close to her. I couldn’t lose a baby and her babyhood like that.

On the morning of the 27th they called and said they’d discussed it and the best option would be if I came in for a laparoscopy. I’d had a cup of coffee when i’d woken up that morning so the surgery would have to be in the afternoon when I’d been fasted long enough. About three o’clock they took me down to theatre. It all felt very, very unreal. I really can’t praise the nursing, medical and theatre staff enoughthough, they were so lovely and made what was a very hard experience as easy as they could. I woke up in recovery about two hours later and soon I was back on the ward where the husband was waiting. I felt groggy, sore and a little sick but not too bad. After a while they brought me some tea and toast and told me that if I was feeling up to it I could go home that night, which was the best news.

Eventually the doctor came around to see me and told me that my left tube had been very swollen and there had been quite a bit of blood in my abdomen, looks like I was pretty close to a rupture so the surgery was really the better option than the methotrexate. They had removed the left tube. I was given a form to sign saying whether or not I consented to have the tissue looked at by pathology (I did) and what I wanted to do with it if they found fetal tissue. That hadn’t even crossed my mind. My choices were to get them released to me to arrange burial (wow that seems way too adult an thing for little old me to arrange) or the hospital can bury them in their communal plot in one of the local cemeteries. I signed the form for the remains to be released, but it’ll be a few weeks so I have time to change my mind. To be honest, I think I’d like to get them cremated, but the only crematorium in Northern Ireland is in Belfast, so I’m not sure how practical that is.

The good news is that my right tube looks healthy so they think my future fertility should be fine, minus obvious the effect of only having one tube. I honestly don’t know if that’s something I want to consider.

I still feel quite numb, it’s all quite unreal. I keep waiting for it to hit me. I think maybe I’d be more devastated if I didn’t have such a large and wonderful family, but I look around at my children and my husband and I think even though this has happened I am still so lucky. I lost my baby but I was still able to go home and cuddle my other baby, put her to my breast, stroke her soft blonde curls and feel that little body nestled against mine. I do wish I had been able to give this little lost baby a shot at life and I’m sorry that I couldn’t.


2 thoughts on “It’s Over Now”

  1. oh wow. just read your whole blog, i found it when i was researching faint lines on FR HPTs… but i did NOT expect this as an ending. If i could hug you, i would. XOXO honey, im sending good thoughts and love your way 😦

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