Blue Christmas

I didn’t think that I would ever be posting on this blog again but events have taken a turn and I need to get it out somewhere. I love the husband very much, but he’s not fantastic on the old emotional support.

So recently I discovered that I was pregnant with baby number 5 (or number 7 if you include the miscarriages). It was a shock, a very daunting prospect but not a nightmare. We’d find a way to make a work. I was having some niggling pain in my ovaries, I’ve been suspecting for a while that I might have cysts so I assumed this was the cause. I went to see my GP and given my history she decided to refer me to the EPU. They did a transvaginal ultrasound and a beta hcg test. I hadn’t had any bleeding or anything, and the scan showed a sac in my uterus, so I walked away feeling pretty positive about the whole thing. Yesterday I had to go back for the repeat beta and I got the result of the first. It was 222 at 16dpo, so about spot on with what I thought it would be. Great, I thought to myself, things are going well, then the phone rang last night.

The repeat beta (at 18dpo) had come back at 345. They like to see at least a 67% rise over 48 hours and this was about 55%. The doctor said it is probably an ectopic and I should come in in the morning for a repeat ultrasound. So I went back this morning and they did another ultrasound and said the “sac” that had been seen on Friday was, in fact, a pseudo-sac. They didn’t overly explain that so I’ve had to resort to asking Dr Google. I can’t see any reference to a pseudo sac being seen in a normal intrauterine pregnancy, but lots and lots of references to them being seen in ectopics. They want me to come back tomorrow for a repeat beta, if the number has fallen then I’m having a natural miscarriage, if it has risen again they want me to take a methotrexate shot (most likely on Christmas day). I don’t think I have much of a chance of having a happy outcome with this, it seems like the best thing I can hope for is a natural miscarriage.

I feel completely numb. I can’t believe this is happening to me again, and the timing is just so shitty. I should be throwing myself into Christmas prep and watching the kids get excited but I just want to go to bed and hide away from the world.

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