Happy New Year!

Every year on New Year’s Eve, WordPress sends out a little report that tells you how your blog has done in the past year. Well I’ve barely blogged this year at all, but still somehow I managed to get over 47,000 views. Wow. That’s kind of amazing to me. I started this blog as somewhere I could pour out all the gubbins that went through my head around ttc, pregnancy and birth. I didn’t think anyone would actually read it. So thank you for visiting and for reading, I hope I’ve entertained or informed. 

I’m still feeling pretty raw off the back of the ectopic. I’m quite sore both physically and emotionally, but it has set in my mind that we would like to try again, even though I am quite terrified of something going wrong again. So hopefully 2014 will see more posts and good news. 

Good luck to everyone ttc out there. I hope this time next year you are all cuddling your babies. 

It’s Over Now

I went for the return beta on Christmas eve, it had fallen a little to 337 so they asked me to come in on Christmas morning for the methotrexate shot. When I got in they informed me that pharmacy was working on an out of hours basis and I could be sitting around for several hours waiting for the drugs to come up to the ward. We decided that I would go home and they would call me to come in the next day when the drugs were available. I waited for the call and when they eventually did ring they were still having the same issues with pharmacy so it would be the 27th. It occurred to me that I hadn’t discussed the fact that I am still breastfeeding with the doctors so I brought it up, they said I would have to wean if I wanted the methotrexate shot. I was adamant I wouldn’t wean, I mean it’s bad enough to lose this baby and perhaps even lose the possibility that I’ll ever have another. I just couldn’t face abruptly weaning Arya, she is still so reliant on nursing, it’s the only thing that settles her down at night, and well I love it. I love feeling so close to her. I couldn’t lose a baby and her babyhood like that.

On the morning of the 27th they called and said they’d discussed it and the best option would be if I came in for a laparoscopy. I’d had a cup of coffee when i’d woken up that morning so the surgery would have to be in the afternoon when I’d been fasted long enough. About three o’clock they took me down to theatre. It all felt very, very unreal. I really can’t praise the nursing, medical and theatre staff enoughthough, they were so lovely and made what was a very hard experience as easy as they could. I woke up in recovery about two hours later and soon I was back on the ward where the husband was waiting. I felt groggy, sore and a little sick but not too bad. After a while they brought me some tea and toast and told me that if I was feeling up to it I could go home that night, which was the best news.

Eventually the doctor came around to see me and told me that my left tube had been very swollen and there had been quite a bit of blood in my abdomen, looks like I was pretty close to a rupture so the surgery was really the better option than the methotrexate. They had removed the left tube. I was given a form to sign saying whether or not I consented to have the tissue looked at by pathology (I did) and what I wanted to do with it if they found fetal tissue. That hadn’t even crossed my mind. My choices were to get them released to me to arrange burial (wow that seems way too adult an thing for little old me to arrange) or the hospital can bury them in their communal plot in one of the local cemeteries. I signed the form for the remains to be released, but it’ll be a few weeks so I have time to change my mind. To be honest, I think I’d like to get them cremated, but the only crematorium in Northern Ireland is in Belfast, so I’m not sure how practical that is.

The good news is that my right tube looks healthy so they think my future fertility should be fine, minus obvious the effect of only having one tube. I honestly don’t know if that’s something I want to consider.

I still feel quite numb, it’s all quite unreal. I keep waiting for it to hit me. I think maybe I’d be more devastated if I didn’t have such a large and wonderful family, but I look around at my children and my husband and I think even though this has happened I am still so lucky. I lost my baby but I was still able to go home and cuddle my other baby, put her to my breast, stroke her soft blonde curls and feel that little body nestled against mine. I do wish I had been able to give this little lost baby a shot at life and I’m sorry that I couldn’t.

Blue Christmas

I didn’t think that I would ever be posting on this blog again but events have taken a turn and I need to get it out somewhere. I love the husband very much, but he’s not fantastic on the old emotional support.

So recently I discovered that I was pregnant with baby number 5 (or number 7 if you include the miscarriages). It was a shock, a very daunting prospect but not a nightmare. We’d find a way to make a work. I was having some niggling pain in my ovaries, I’ve been suspecting for a while that I might have cysts so I assumed this was the cause. I went to see my GP and given my history she decided to refer me to the EPU. They did a transvaginal ultrasound and a beta hcg test. I hadn’t had any bleeding or anything, and the scan showed a sac in my uterus, so I walked away feeling pretty positive about the whole thing. Yesterday I had to go back for the repeat beta and I got the result of the first. It was 222 at 16dpo, so about spot on with what I thought it would be. Great, I thought to myself, things are going well, then the phone rang last night.

The repeat beta (at 18dpo) had come back at 345. They like to see at least a 67% rise over 48 hours and this was about 55%. The doctor said it is probably an ectopic and I should come in in the morning for a repeat ultrasound. So I went back this morning and they did another ultrasound and said the “sac” that had been seen on Friday was, in fact, a pseudo-sac. They didn’t overly explain that so I’ve had to resort to asking Dr Google. I can’t see any reference to a pseudo sac being seen in a normal intrauterine pregnancy, but lots and lots of references to them being seen in ectopics. They want me to come back tomorrow for a repeat beta, if the number has fallen then I’m having a natural miscarriage, if it has risen again they want me to take a methotrexate shot (most likely on Christmas day). I don’t think I have much of a chance of having a happy outcome with this, it seems like the best thing I can hope for is a natural miscarriage.

I feel completely numb. I can’t believe this is happening to me again, and the timing is just so shitty. I should be throwing myself into Christmas prep and watching the kids get excited but I just want to go to bed and hide away from the world.