I’m feeling very fat at the moment.
I went to Weight Watchers on Wednesday night to fess up to my leader about my pregnancy so she would stop harassing me on Facebook about getting back to a meeting (okay she wasn’t really harassing me, I just got a sense of mild disapproval from her every time I posted a picture of anything I’d baked). I had gained some weight since the last time (5.5lbs since August) and she was just about to revoke my precious gold membership card when I told her that I’m pregnant, so instead I was told to go away until after I had the baby and then I have six months to get back to my goal weight before they’ll make me start paying membership fees again.
I feel a bit bereft, a bit cut off and struggling with the thought that it’s okay for me to gain a bit of weight. You see as I’ve manage to backslide to the tune of 14lbs already since April I’m terrified that when I give birth I’ll find myself at 17 stone (238lbs) again.
I bought a 12 week tracker diary at the meeting and I’ve put myself on maintenance points and so far I’ve had 3 good days (took some gentle exercise, ate within my points etc) but I was utterly dismayed when I stepped on the scales yesterday morning and saw I had gained a pound and that my waist has expanded by three inches already.
When I’ve spent the better part of the last two years focusing on reducing everything about myself it is very hard to change my head space. I did a quick google to find some pregnancy weight gain estimators and they are depressing me because even though my BMI is below 25 (23.9 to be exact) they are all telling me I’m fatter than I should be, by 5 or 6lbs. What am I supposed to do with that information? All it makes me want to do is cut back and lose those 5 or 6lbs instead of focusing on the fact that I should only gain 25 to 35lbs.
It’s funny, when I was hugely overweight and pregnant my weight never bothered. I felt more comfortable with my fat self because I could say “I’m pregnant!” but the truth is right now I feel much fatter than I ever did back then.
I may be a teensy bit of a control freak you see, who doesn’t trust herself to exercise self control and finds it quite hard to surrender to any process.
Obviously the most important thing is that I am healthy and that the baby is healthy and that it gets all the nutrients that it needs to grow and thrive, and I am trying to focus on that. I think it’ll just take a while before I can make the mental adjustment and in the meantime I have to just keep plugging away at staying within my points and making sure I eat right and move more.
So without further ado…. this is how I looked at 4 weeks 5 days. In my defense my stomach tone is a bit knackered from 3 previous pregnancies and all the weight loss, and the newly pregnant bloat.