In my more paranoid moments….

I spent a good ten minutes last night poking my boobs and trying to gauge if they were less sore or the same as they have been the last few days. This was largely because it had reached 9.30 and I was tired, but not as tired as I had been. I decided that the boobs, despite my efforts, were marginally less sore and this sent me into a paranoid tail spin. What if it’s all going wrong again?

There is no real reason for this kind of paranoia, except that it has gone wrong twice in the past. I didn’t sleep well. I dreamt all night about taking Cleablue Digital tests and them having moved from 2-3 to 3+ and that it was all okay. So this morning when I woke up I couldn’t help but break into my stash that I swore I wouldn’t touch until the weekend.

The first test was a dud. The little hour glass appeared, lasted forever and then nothing at all came up on the screen. When I broke the test open there were no lines on it at all, well maybe a very, very faint control line. This did not help my paranoia so I did my final test and of course it came up Pregnant 2-3, as expected. I’m not even 5 weeks until tomorrow. Now I feel slightly stupid, and still a bit paranoid, and pretty grumpy because I didn’t get a proper sleep and getting up to POAS at 5.30 woke the toddlers who had invaded my bed in the middle of the night and my husband bitched at me about it before buggering off back to bed. I’m resisting the urge to go up and kick him.

I have a scan date now for the 21st and it can’t come fast enough. Yesterday I was thinking hooray! I get a scan in two weeks. Now it’s more of two weeks??? that’s FOREVER, even though I know it’s a very sensible time to have a scan as we should definitely see a heartbeat by then. I suppose I’m just scared of it all going horribly wrong in the meantime. With my first two pregnancies it never really occurred to me that it could go wrong and I wish I could go back to that kind of innocence. Losing one was a fluke, losing two made me think these things can happen repeatedly.

I don’t mean to sound all negative. I’m not being negative, I’m just a bit nervous and scared.

And now I’ve ordered more digital tests. Gah! Why did they have to invent those stupid conception indicators? I think they cause more stress than they do good, but Clearblue must be laughing all the way to the bank with the number of people like myself who will keep on repeatedly testing. Every day on birth boards I see women posting and freaking out about what their conception indicator has said.

I just poked my boobs again, I think they are as sore as they were…

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