It hasn’t been the greatest weekend. I’ve spent the last couple of days feeling very angry, angry at my body, angry at myself for starting this whole misadventure, angry that this process is taking too damn long.
As far as my body is concerned it’s still pregnant. The tests are still coming up positive, my temperature is still high, I’m mildly symptomatic, and the bleeding has stopped, but given the blood result on Friday I can’t draw any conclusion but that there is no viable pregnancy. I wish I body would catch up with that fact because while this is dragging out there’s a tiny bit of hope getting dragged along with it, and the hope is killing me.
I want to move on. I want to be able to make the decision about whether or not we try again. I’m stuck in limbo and it sucks. I don’t feel like there is a place for me anywhere. I don’t fit in on the actively trying boards right now, or the due in May boards, and while I haven’t been handed a definitive answer I don’t even feel right on the miscarriage boards.
I want this done and dusted before anyone can raise the need for medical management or the dreaded D&C.
In my darker moments I feel like I’m being punished for forcing my body to ovulate before it was ready. I’m getting slapped back for being impatient with the herbs and the supplements and the reflexology. When I had my first miscarriage some other people made me feel it was my fault for getting pregnant again so quickly after having my son, this time I’m feeling like that all by myself.
I need some closure.