The Rollercoaster

As much as I think Ronan Keaton is an insufferable gobshite with a speech impediment, he was quite accurate when he sang “life is a rollercoaster.”

The last couple of days have been a rollercoaster, but of the kind where it breaks down half way through the loop and you’re left suspended in mid air with everything falling out of your pockets.

I went back to the gynae ward on Saturday and sat in the waiting area feeling thoroughly sick with nerves. Eventually a nurse came out and handed me one of those little white universal containers, asked me for a urine sample and told me that if the dip test was negative they wouldn’t do a repeat blood test. I nearly burst into tears. I was desperate to know what the beta number was, even if it had plummeted, and I wasn’t expecting a urine test so I’d been knocking gallons of tea into me all morning and had used the loo just before leaving for the hospital. I was certain that urine test would be negative and I’d be sent home without getting the answer I wanted.

It seemed like forever before she reappeared and told me that the test was faintly positive so they were going to do the blood test after all. I promptly burst into tears at that point.

I had a long wait back home before I could ring for the results but when I finally did call what they told me was completely unexpected.

The level had almost doubled from 40 to 79.

I promptly burst into tears again.

The little bit of hope flickered up in me and started to burn bright.

Then the spotting returned and kicked itself up a notch to full on bleeding.

I spent most of yesterday in bed because trying to interact with other human beings set off the whole hysterical crying thing again. When I started to pass small clots last night I resigned myself once again to being over.

Then the spotting stopped again.

Then started again.

It’s like the worst sort of lather, rinse, repeat. I can’t take the stress of this at all. One minute my hopes are high and the next they’re in the gutter.

This afternoon I have to return to the hospital again for another beta hcg count. I honestly don’t know what to expect. Will the levels have risen? fallen? I have this horrible niggling pain in my side too that’s having me endlessly googling “ectopic pregnancy.”

I’m making good progress on the knitting though.



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