Not Great Frankly

I called the gynae ward last night and got the blood test results. The nurse I spoke to on the phone was really lovely, actually everyone I spoke to yesterday was really lovely. It was a huge change from the last time I went through this and I was treated like at best a fantasist and at worst a downright liar.

The beta HCG count was 40. The nurse asked me if they’ve told me what they thought was happening when I’d been with the doctors earlier. I said to her the way they had worded it was either I wasn’t pregnant or it was too early, but personally I thought it was a pregnancy that just wasn’t progressing. She said they still want me to come back on Saturday for the repeat blood test and she was very sorry this was happening. That was a lovely thing to hear, a bit of sympathy and some acknowledgement  that I was going through something. I thanked her before hanging up the phone.

I spent some time then googling HCG levels and HCG calculators. The average HCG level at 19DPO is (apparently, I’m not going to vouch for absolute truth of this) 303 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 111-514 mIU/ml. At 40 I am well below that. My understanding is that the sensitivity of the digital tests is 50 mIU/ml, so if I was getting a positive with them on Sunday, my HCG should be around the 200 mark at least.

I really don’t want to go back for the repeat on Saturday but I understand why I have to. I just don’t want to make the call to get the results.

To add insult to injury the spotting has stopped again as well. If this is going to end, if this has ended, I just want it over with as soon as possible.

I’m feeling this so much more acutely than the last time, maybe because I waited so long for this and I wanted it so badly. I was so happy on Sunday. This was the first pregnancy that I faced without the slightest bit of trepidation or nerves or intimidation at what adding a new baby to our brood would mean, and it just sucks to have it all taken away.

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