While I’m waiting to see what happens I have to find some ways to pass the time. Ordinarily I’d throw myself into baking or cooking, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve gone a bit crazy on the baked goods of late and have about 7lbs to lose now. So I thought I’d take half an hour and recount my past BFPs.
1st BFP – June 2001
I was on the pill at the time. In May my older sister had gotten married and a few weeks before that we all headed off for her hen weekend. I forgot to take my pill with me and I missed one dose. June rolled round and I did the usual thing of stopping my pill for 7 days, but my period never arrived. I did a pregnancy test and it was negative, so I thought nothing off it and decided I wouldn’t start taking the pill again until my period arrived. A week passed, and then another one.
At this time I was 20 years old. I was an undergraduate and still living with my parents. I’d been with my boyfriend for about a year. I honestly thought that my cycle was messed up because of the missed pill and because I’d gotten a negative test it was impossible for me to be pregnant. When my mother noticed that I hadn’t asked her to pick up any Always for me in a while, she asked me if I could possibly be pregnant. I was so clueless about pregnancy symptoms that I didn’t think it was weird at all that my boobs were killing me, I was peeing every five seconds and I had spent my sister’s wedding day in floods of uncontrollable tears (I was never the sort of person to cry back then). My mother bought me a First Response test and sent my other sister upstairs to give it to me. I duly went into the bathroom and attempted to POAS. I probably should have waited, I didn’t really need to go so I managed to get maybe a dribble on it. I saw the wash of pink begin, it moved about a centimetre and then stopped before it hit the test area. I told my mother and my sister that the test hadn’t worked, so my mum said she’d buy another one tomorrow. They left me in the bathroom and I stared at the test. I sort of felt the urge to go again so I POAS a little bit more (the same stick). This time the pink wash started to move and two blaring pink lines rapidly appeared.
I didn’t believe it. It had to be a fault because it was a “used” test. I spent the rest of the night convincing myself that it wasn’t possible. The next morning my mother woke me up handing me another test (it was a dipstick type test this time). I shuffled into the bathroom, pee’d in cup and dipped the test. Two lines appeared again, even brighter than the night before if that was possible. I went downstairs and into the kitchen where my mum was making tea. “So?” she asked. I held the test aloft, panic slowly mounting in my chest. My mum looked at the strip, nodded and asked “Would you like a bun?”
Second BFP – January 2008.
Now my first BFP I could put down to the missed pill, the second one however is a total odds defying mystery because I was not engaging in any risky behaviour. After the baby hiatus back in 2002 I’d finally gotten myself back to university and I had graduated in August 2007. In September I started a Masters of Research degree and I had great plans to head straight into a PhD after I finished that. I was finally getting my shit organised.
I had my period in November and it was a totally normal 28 day cycle. Then I had my period in December, but it arrived a week early. I wasn’t entirely au fait with the intricacies of the menstrual cycle at that point. I had a vague understanding left over from a-level biology but I hadn’t thought about it too much. I was far more interested in what happened in the body at a cellular level, the big stuff was snoozeville to me. So I didn’t quite know when to expect my period in January, should I expect it four weeks after the December one? or should I expect it at what would have been my usual time? Well four weeks since the December period went by and nothing happened. Then I noticed that once again my boobs were killing me. Then I nearly threw up on the train on the way to uni. Then I nearly did it again. I had it in my head that I wasn’t actually late because my period wasn’t really due until the next week (major faulty logic going on here), but I decided that I’d do a test anyway, working with the theory that a watched period never boils.
Every day on my way to the train station I passed a pharmacy. I decided one morning that I would go in there and buy a pregnancy test and do it on the train if necessary, but when I got the pharmacy it hadn’t opened yet. I texted my best friend (with whom I share too much) to tell her about this and she said she would meet me in town later when I got back from uni and we’d go to one of the pharmacies there and buy a test. I didn’t think about it the rest of the day. I met her, we bought a test, we had a coffee and we headed back to my house.
I went upstairs to do the test. So I POAS…. my heart was hammering in my chest as one line appeared, it blossomed to full blown panic as the second line appeared – here this demonstrates my lack of understanding about pregnancy tests back then, I thought that the control line was the test line, so though the test line was positive immediately I didn’t panic until the control appeared – and panic I did. I believe I wailed “DUDE!!!!!!!” and then paced the upstairs of the house for around 15 minutes hyperventilating, oscillating wildly between maniacal laughter and hysterical tears.
It all turned out okay though, and the product of that is now a crazy curly haired 3 year old with a penchant for lego cake.
BFP 3 – January 2009.
So my son was born in September, my period returned in December and I immediately wanted to be pregnant again. Bless my ever patient husband, he got on board with the idea. I bought some ovulation tests, got a positive, got busy and 12 days later started testing. The first was negative, then the next day it was negative again, then on the third day (which also happened to be my eldest daughter’s birthday) I thought I had a faint positive. I called my husband over to look, and my best friend (with whom I share too much) and then my sister. My husband said he couldn’t see anything, my friend wasn’t sure but thought she saw something, my sister agreed and suggested that I do a digital test. We had to leave the house shortly afterwards to go to my daughter’s birthday party. On the way my sister and I stopped off at a pharmacy and I bought a digital test. We arrived at the party place and while the children ran around a giant play frame screaming their heads off I slipped into the toilet to do the test. The little hour glass appeared and I waited for the result. It seemed to take forever. Finally the word Pregnant appeared. I was overjoyed.
A week went by and on the following Friday morning I woke up and went into the bathroom to discover that I was bleeding. I had bought some more digital tests during the week, this times the one with the conception indicator. I’ll admit when I did the first test (in the toilets of a Starbucks) during the week I’d been a little concerned when it said Pregnant 1-2 weeks, I thought it should have been saying 2 -3 but I guessed it could be down to any number of things and the tests weren’t exact. On the day the bleeding started I was around 5 weeks pregnant so I expected a test to say 2-3 or 3+. I did the test and it was positive but still only saying 1-2, and the bleeding was getting heavier. By the time I got to the EPU the urine test they did was negative, there was nothing on the scan, my beta HCG was 7 and the doctor said to me “you were never pregnant, it’s just your period.”
I went home and stared at the screen of the digital test until the battery died and the words faded away.
BFP 4 – March 2009
We decided to get right back on the TTC horse. It took 3 weeks for me to ovulate after the miscarriage, but I am exceptionally lucky in that it was as simple as taking an ovulation test, getting on with the baby dancing and testing again (admittedly I started at about 8 DPO).
I can’t actually remember the first BFP from that pregnancy. There’s a few reasons for that. 1. My husband was dead against me testing early. I think he thought I had tested too early the previous month and could have spared myself a lot of hurt because I would have just thought it was my period. The logic of that is a little flawed because by the point the miscarriage happened I would have been a week late. Anyhew I was hiding the fact that I was testing from him. I was also hiding the fact that I was testing from my best friend (with whom I share to much) because if things went wrong again I didn’t want to have to tell people. So I was testing in secret and repeatedly.
I was so scared of a repeat of last time I was testing every day. I was testing twice a day. On the way to my doctor’s appointment to confirm the pregnancy I bought a pregnancy test. I dipped it into the sample pot I was about to hand over to the nurse and made sure it was positive before I did. I just couldn’t face having a nurse walk in and say it was negative and look at me like I was a liar again. I then bought a digital test on the way home from that appointment, you know just to be super sure….
And that is just some of them. Actually I think that’s about half of the tests I did. I’d then stand by my back door (where the light is good) and obsessively stare at them and when my best friend arrived unannounced I threw them on the bread bin. Then she asked if she could make some toast and I said okay (because there was a loaf sitting in front of the bread bin) but no she lifted the bread bin lid and found my pee sticks. I swear she knew.
So there you go, the collected stories of my four BFPs.
I really hope I can add a fifth story soon.